Holidays and Broken Hearts

The holidays are always hard, but this is the first Christmas that our oldest daughter isn’t legally our daughter. She will always be our daughter in our hearts.

Last night our 9 year old daughter looked at me and said she missed her sister and started crying so I held her for a while and we both cried. I assured her that one day she will be back and she asked me how I knew that. I told her faith……I believe that God will bring her back to us some day. I’m glad she knows and understands what faith is. She knows God loves her and will give her the desires of her heart……which is to have her sister back.

She went to put on her pajamas but many belonged to her sister and she wanted to throw them away. So we started throwing them away. My heart was crushed as I watched her shake her head no to her pajamas and  raise her thumb up saying they had to go.

It’s hard enough going through the hurt of losing our daughter but even harder watching as our youngest child was hurting so bad. I am so proud that even though she has been so hurt through her sister and all of her past trauma that she consistently wants to adopt when she is grown. I am thankful that we have a lot of positives mixed in with all of our heartbreaks.

Once again I know I say it a lot, but knowledge is power. Even in the last few months we have learned so much and with each thing we have learned I know that if we had of only learned it sooner then just maybe we would still have our daughter.

Patti

 

 

 

My Quilt of Holes

Several years ago a friend sent me this poem and said this is you. I had read the poem before but this time as I read it I realized that yes that was my quilt.

As we parent children that have RAD or other disabilities it comes with many challenges. Many times our whole lives are ripped a part. We have to parent different and we come under attack from some very well meaning friends and family members. We try so hard to educate them and while some will let us others won’t  and friendships are ruined ……….sometimes we lose family.

This time of year is really hard on many of us parents. I did a lot of crying the other day as we were getting our Christmas things out. I finally put on some essential oil and said it is what it is.

Our 12 year old son was peeing in his closet. We had taken all of the clothes out of it years ago and used it for storage. We were looking for something and saw that my white Christmas tree was now yellow. So we put our big Christmas tree in our storage building. Which is now in the burn pile because it was infested with spiders and I didn’t want to take a chance on having spiders inside. So I lost 2 trees this year. We also had 8 new stockings but only have 2 now. My husband told me we threw them away with the first tree. We also had to throw away other decorations. So while everyone is posting pictures of their tree and other decorations I cried because I lost so much and didn’t know if we would even have a tree this year besides our mini tree. God is good to us and as long as it is still on sale tonight I found a tree that is regularly $159 on sale plus using my rewards for $35. So yes we will have a tree……. lol

Not only do we have many things broken and destroyed but many of our kids have many triggers during the holiday season so they begin to act out more. Which raises our stress level for the season. So when I think about how my quilt started out so pretty but as time went on it got stomped on and ripped and got dirty this poem seemed so fitting. I could say more but I think the poem says it all………

Patti

Quilt of Holes

As I faced my Maker at the last judgment, I knelt before the Lord along with all the other souls.

Before each of us laid our lives like the squares of a quilt in many piles; an angel sat before each of us sewing our quilt squares together into a tapestry that is our life.

But as my angel took each piece of cloth off the pile, I noticed how ragged and empty each of my squares was. They were filled with giant holes. Each square was labeled with a part of my life that had been difficult, the challenges and temptations I was faced with in everyday life. I saw hardships that I endured, which were the largest holes of all.

I glanced around me. Nobody else had such squares. . . Other than a tiny hole here and there, the other tapestries were filled with rich color and the
Bright hues of worldly fortune. I gazed upon my own life and was disheartened.

My angel was sewing the ragged pieces of cloth together, threadbare and empty, like binding air.

Finally the time came when each life was to be displayed, held up to the light, the scrutiny of truth. The others rose; each in turn, holding up
Their tapestries. So filled their lives had been… My angel looked upon me, and nodded for me to rise.

My gaze dropped to the ground in shame. I hadn’t had all the earthly fortunes. I had love in my life, and laughter. But there had also been trials of illness, and wealth, and false accusations that took from me my world, as I knew it. I had to start over many times. I often struggled with the temptation to quit, only to somehow muster the strength to pick up and begin again. I spent many nights on my knees in prayer, asking for help and guidance in my life. I had often been held up to ridicule, which I endured painfully, each time offering it up to the Father in hopes that I would not melt within my skin beneath the judgmental gaze of those who unfairly judged me.

And now, I had to face the truth. My life was what it was, and I had to accept it for what it was.

I rose and slowly lifted the combined squares of my life to the light. An awe-filled gasp filled the air. I gazed around at the others who stared at me with wide eyes.

Then, I looked upon the tapestry before me. Light flooded the many holes, creating an image, the face of Christ. Then our Lord stood before me, with warmth and love in His eyes. He said, ‘Every time you gave over your life to Me, it became My life, My hardships, and My struggles.

Each point of light in your life is when you stepped aside and let Me shine through, until there was more of Me than there was of you.’

May all our quilts be threadbare and worn, allowing Christ to shine through!

God determines who walks into your life…it’s up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go.’