Sarah got to reunite with her bio sister Sunday and we had a great day. She brought her a few more pictures and a few things like some of her mom’s necklaces and a couple of rings. She is doing really good over all, but she is having some struggles a long the way. So many triggers. A shirt she was wearing in a picture or a necklace that she remembered her mom wearing when something happened.
She is also saying things that didn’t happen like a conversation that they had texting on my phone and I went back and read the messages and it didn’t happen so she is day dreaming about different things and can’t separate what happened and what hasn’t.
I am proud of her even though she has became defiant at times after a few hours she has come to me and talked to me about what was going on. It is very important for me to stay focused and even if I am about to pull my hair out because she won’t do what she is told that when she wants to talk I need to take a deep breath and take time to listen and help her process her triggers.
If this had of been a few years ago she would be raging. She is so amazing! This is a young lady that had no remorse and no empathy and now she concerned about hurting my feelings as she grieves for her birth mom. In some ways her mom’s death has helped her to love me even more. She has called me her “real” mom several times now. There’s no longer that feeling inside of her that feels like she is betraying her mom for loving me.
Never ever lose hope for your child……..We almost gave up a few times on her. God always showed me that we weren’t supposed to give up. I am so glad that we didn’t give up.
I wrote before about how we are on a roller coaster full of twists and turns. We have just gotten on another one. This one had some pretty big loops. Our 14 yr old daughter’s adopted mother died last week. This of course wouldn’t be good any time, but just coming out of the holidays I was really concerned. I saw it on her sister’s facebook Monday a week ago and waited until I could talk to her sisters before I told her. I talked to them that night so the next day I knew what I had to do. I spent a lot of time crying and praying.
Wouldn’t you know it we get up Tuesday morning and it was the first really good day that she had had since the holidays began. So I really didn’t want to tell her. I waited until that afternoon and I took her to the bedroom with me and had her to sit by me on the bed and as I started to tell her I broke down and was crying. I didn’t want to hurt her. She’s been hurt enough and I also knew that this was a really big fear that she had that her mom would die and she would never see her again. I was also concerned that me and her mom are the same age and with her having reactive attachment disorder I don’t want her to be afraid that she is going to lose me.
I told her just a minute while I was trying to stop crying so I could tell her and she said “It’s ok if my mom died”. I had a few things that I had put up for her for when she was older. She had a baby doll that her mom wrote on it’s back I love you Sarah, Love mom. and I had a few pictures.
Our footsteps are ordered by God and sometimes we find out why certain things happen and sometimes we don’t, but at Christmas we were given a fish aquarium and the lady asked me if we would like some scrapbooking things and I said yes they will love it. Oh my goodness it was a bunch of stuff…so nice. Things I would have never spent money on. Now I know why she gave them to us. We are going to make a scrapbook for Sarah. Her sister has sent me more pictures and they are going to get more.
Sarah is doing great. I gave her the choice whether or not she wanted to see her mom to say good bye. She said that she wanted to but also wanted to see her bio sisters. So I told her sister that we wanted a private viewing with just them. Did I say God orders our steps? Sarah told me yesterday that she was afraid that it would be to much for her to see her mom and was afraid it would bring back bad memories and cause her to act out again. So I told her to make sure because she couldn’t go back and change her mind. Last night her sister called me and told me that because of the delay in making funeral arrangements that they would have to have a closed casket. Thank you Jesus that you laid it on Sarah’s heart before we had to make the decision for her. God is so good. We decided last night that we would give them this week to rest and regroup since the funeral is Friday and that next week her two sisters and her two brothers are going to come to church with us and we will go out to eat afterwards and then go to a park that we dearly love. That way they have plenty of time…….I pray that Sarah is able to handle all of this because we have tried several different times to let her have contact with one of her sisters that lived with us for a little while when she was in foster care and it always caused Sarah to act out. So we would have to stop contact and the last time we told her that was her last time until she was 18. We told her that if this doesn’t cause her to act out then she can keep in contact with them. She is really trying hard which was why she made the decision to not see her mom.
I wish that was the only loop on this roller coaster but it wasn’t. I posted on her sister’s facebook that we were praying for them and there were several people asking about Sarah so I posted a picture of her so they could see her. We are now in contact with her bio dad that she has never met and she has two more sisters. Now this is wild. She went to school with our kids and was in our son’s class 3 different years and Sarah knows her. I pray that this is the beginning of Sarah being able to have contact with her family. I will be sure to post about how the reunion goes.
A heart of ice is exactly how our daughters heart was. It was hard and cold. She didn’t care about anyone or anything. Nothing mattered to her. It didn’t seem like we would ever break through.
Is this how your child’s heart is? The holidays are always hard for our kids. So many memories and triggers. Hopefully most of us can take a deep breath now.
Our daughters heart isn’t like this any more. It’s tender. She finally allowed us in. Holidays are still hard on her but she doesn’t rage like she used to. There was a time when I almost gave up …..I felt like I had lost. Praise God we didn’t give up. She has turned into a beautiful young lady that loves the Lord and of course us.
If your child has a heart of ice don’t lose hope ….. it can thaw and your child can love you.