UGH!!!!!! Is this what you got up thinking this morning? Dreading this day? If it didn’t already start last week or even earlier….sigh.
The beginning of all the holidays…….do you find yourself tensing up? First I will tell you that for us it has gotten so much better so never lose hope. I do believe that if you want them to do better that we have to sacrifice and maybe miss a few things. I know that isn’t fair to us, but hey if it will keep peace then I am all for it.
So missing a few things what does that mean to us as a parent? I am sure that you can add a lot of things, but the hardest things isn’t missing the fun. It isn’t missing the parties or the dinners or what ever else you may do during the holidays but it’s what we have to endure from other people……it may be a well meaning parent or sibling or a friend that you thought you would be close to forever or worse yet it may be a spouse. So many just don’t get it. They see your child as being so sweet, cute, considerate……well anything that other people want to see our kids give them a performance of a life time. So yep we are the bad guys.
I want to encourage you today to know that you are not a mean parent because you don’t let your child have all of the candy that they want tonight and you are not a mean parent if you let the “other” kids go have fun tonight and not your child that has RAD or other behaviors.
Parenting our children isn’t about being fair ……. it is giving what each of our kids need so that they can heal and grow up and be a productive member of society.
Also know that you are not a lone…….we are here and many others to support you………
Forgiveness is a big word……even bigger when we have to act upon it. I learned years ago as a teenager to forgive those that have done wrong to me even if they don’t ask for it. Forgiveness doesn’t help the person that we forgive. It helps us.
I am thankful that I was reminded last night at church about forgiveness. Matthew 18: 21 – 22 says Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.
WHAT?????? 70 times 7???? Let’s see that would be 490 times …….In most situations you would never have someone to wrong you that many times. So what Jesus was getting at is that we are to forgive them over and over. As I was typing this I realized that I couldn’t say that our kids couldn’t wrong us that many times a day because they could LOL but it is important that we forgive them.
I understand that it’s easier said than done and for a preacher to tell us that when he has no clue about our lives many times we will just tune that part out. I am telling you this I know the life you are living and it can be anything but pleasant. When your child cusses you and hits you and breaks things day in and day out we feel that anger and hate creeping in our hearts. I’ve been there. Who would have thought I would have ever hated one of my kids, but I did. Our oldest daughter would just walk in the room in the morning and it would make me sick. She wanted to kill us and she was trying to hurt the other kids. She was mean…….during this time I wanted her to heal so even though she ripped her door off of it’s hinges I still took her in my arms and held her and I told her that I loved her over and over until I felt it….. I didn’t really hate her I just hated her behavior. Three years later she has healed a lot I know I’ve said this before but now I can see the love in her eyes. She treats me like she should instead of always trying to hurt me. Now what kind of relationship would we have if I hadn’t of forgiven her….. we probably wouldn’t …… This is why when our children are spewing venom at us we have to let it roll off of us and forgive them. I guess in the long run it helps them because it keeps us from sending them away. I do understand that sometimes our kids become so violent that we don’t have no other choice. We were to that point with our daughter. We have to put the safety of our families first, but even if we do have to place them somewhere else we need to forgive them.
If we don’t forgive then it won’t go away…..
Some of our children may not heal until after they grow up and move out and if we never forgave them we won’t be ready to accept them back into our lives. I know each of you love your kids. A LOT!!!! If you didn’t then you would have given up on them a long time ago. I watch and I read the post in the support groups and like us many people including family members think we love one child more than we love another one….. we don’t treat them fair. There is not a one of my kids that I love more than another. I don’t treat my kids fair and I never will. I treat my kids according to what they need to help them heal. These people more than likely aren’t going to come to us and say that they are sorry. Again we need to forgive them. Not for them but for us…………
So many well intentioned people advice new moms to let their baby cry it out……Don’t hold them so much……They say you are going to spoil them
We were blessed with two new born babies our first one was 4 days old …he was abandoned .…. our second one we had her two brothers in foster care and she came to live with us when she was 5 weeks old. I held them as much as I could. I was told many times that I was spoiling them. I started working at my mom’s daycare when our first one was 16 months old so I held him everyday to get him asleep at nap time. My mom would say what are you going to do when he starts school and I would tell her I will go to school and hold him. LOL Up until a couple of years ago he would sit beside me on the couch and I would put my arm around him until he went to sleep of course this was after I got our youngest daughter asleep and she was carried to bed. Did I spoil them….yes ….. are they attached…. YES!!!! Out of all 6 of our kids these two have no attachment issues.
The first year of your child’s life it is important for you as their parent to meet their needs. When they cry they need something and if they are fed and dry and they just want to be held then hold them. We need to reach out if we see a mom to be and mentor these new moms……..we can help prevent children from getting RAD. If you know a new mom tell them about www.smileatyourbaby.org They can get daily bits about attaching to their baby.
Parenting our children we usually face new challenges each day. Many times I know my nerves get really frazzled…….we have to be on constant watch. That takes a lot of energy …LOL… I’m not talking about the rages that get really bad I’m talking about the more calm days ….when they pee in a milk jug or pee in the litter box…. or take the chicken bones left from supper so they can finish eating them…..or eat the cat food….. I know that you all know that the list can go on and on with all of the craziness. These are things that can drive us over the edge but the next day we can laugh about it. I saw this prayer yesterday and thought it was good so I wanted to share it with you……
Please blanket my heart heart with your peace and give me strength for today. Amen……
I need a king size blanket lol I have 6 kids and 4 of them have RAD ……
As I sit here listening to my 9 year old son yell about how mean I am and how he isn’t going to do what I say and he doesn’t care and on and on. I was reading on my facebook about a mom going without sleep because her daughter has ran away and is missing.
So many times we have been judged and told that if we don’t love our children then let someone else raise them. Does a parent that don’t love their child go days without sleeping because they DON’T love their child ….. of course not ….. does a parent continue to be verbally and physically abused by their child because they DON’T love them……..of course not.
Parenting is not about being fair. It is about giving what each of your children need to help them to be successful. If I allow a couple of our kids internet access then it is going to do more harm but I have a child that is allowed to have access yet I have been judged harshly for not allowing the others to have phones or to be on the computer.
Our children can pour on the charm and appear to be the best kids ever but as their parents many times we see a complete different child. So please before you judge so harshly when you see parents that seem to treat one child different than the others take a minute and ask how they are at home. It doesn’t have to just be kids that have reactive attachment disorder it can be Autism or any other special needs.
Help us help our children to succeed. When you side with them before you know the whole story you are empowering our children and it keeps them from healing.