I remember the times that I would hold my daughter in my arms after a 5 hour rage it didn’t matter that she just ripped her door off of it’s hinges or that she had screamed and cussed and broke things. I held her and I told her that I loved her and that no matter what that even if I was mad at her for what she did that I was her mom forever and when she couldn’t stand me that she was still stuck with me forever…….forever I really meant it and it never crossed my mind that some day she would no longer be my daughter…….at least legally…….
I am not the only adoptive parent that has had to go through this even tonight somewhere someone is making a heart rendering decision to have their child removed from their home in order to keep the rest of the family safe. I know I really do know that children are not pets that you just give away……and that’s not what we did……nor is it what any parent does. I loved my daughter so much……I still do and always will…….
So what makes an adoptive parent make a decision like this……..in our case our adoptive daughter’s birth mom passed away. We let her reunify with her oldest birth sister. Our daughter wanted her more than she wanted us…….she wanted her so bad that she began to rage again only this time she was much stronger than when she was younger. She became very violent and destructive. She tried to start a fire in our home. She wanted to kill us……she ran away……she threatened to kill herself……she was determined to do everything she could do in order to get out of our home……We ended up putting her in a residential treatment center where she made false allegations. After 2 investigations she told her therapist that she did it so that she would go into foster care and could go live with her sister……she also said when she came home she was going to set us up…..that was when I said she couldn’t come home…….that is when I talked to her and told her we would let her go live with her sister if that was what she really wanted. I told her that if she chose to go live with her sister that we would be here when she was ready…….
So now our daughter is in foster care and we terminated our parental rights and her sister is getting her home opened so she can take her…….
We thought when we adopted her that it would be forever no matter what, but there comes a time when we can’t force them to make the right choices. We couldn’t let her destroy the rest of our family. Losing a child like this is complicated in the way that I feel……I have cried my heart out. I have cried over the craziest things. I have held our youngest daughter while she has cried her heart out…….I still sleep with her blanket that she got her first Christmas with us……I will never get over losing her but I do have hope that one day she will be in our life again……..
Sarah if you read this one day know that I love you with all of my heart. I pray that when you go live with your birth sister that you are happy……..I will always love you……..
Reblogged this on HarsH ReaLiTy and commented:
I can feel your pain in this post and really have no words to help. I won’t even attempt to offer any. I will simply say that “I wish you the best” and thank you for sharing this deeply personal post with those that read your blog. Adoption is more than just about the adoptee and I think your words highlight that fact. -OM
Note: Comments disabled here, please visit their blog.
Thank you OM at least I have hope for reunification later on down the road…… people don’t realize that adoption is hard for everyone involved….. the birth family, adoptee, and adoptive parents……
Oh… I can’t describe how much I feel for you right now… Everything you have written… I have been there. With my own son. The one I gave birth to. The one I gave my heart and soul to. The one who decided one day he wanted to live with his father. The father who didn’t want him. The father who had mentally and emotionally abused him throughout his life. And I had to let him go – to protect my other children. I had to let him go. So thank you for this. For letting me know that someone else out there has been through this. That someone else out there actually understands. Thank you.
I am so sorry you are on this road too ……praying for you ……
Thank you for posting this heartfelt and moving story of a family torn apart. We cannot always control circumstances, and it is better to let go and hope for a future, happier reunion. I send blessings and prayers of strength and solace.
Thank you ……..
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Reblogged this on banagainstcorruption and commented:
gives me more hope to continue on with getting my grandkids back
Praying you get your grandkids back….
thank you sorry im just now getting this
Did you get your grandkids back?
no they have been adopted out. my only hope is when they age out that they will come looking for the truth to why they were removed and to show them we got caught up in a in humane corrupt system. but thanks for being concerned
Most kids will look for answers…..
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I am SO happy the little girl got reunited with her family! Thank you for doing what was best for her! It feels good to finally read an adoption story with a happy ending.
I’m sorry to say that it wasn’t a happy ending…… But her story isn’t over. If you read the other comment I won’t have to write it all again.
As an adoptee who longed to return to my first-family I understand Sarah’s rage. As a former licensed foster care provider I saw children fast-tracked into adoption sometimes with disastrous results. Many of those adoptions failed. Some kids just don’t want to be adopted. One little girl did want to be adopted but I found out that she simply wanted to live in one place and not be moved around anymore. Her plan was to stay with the adopted family until she was 18 and then she would return to her first-family which is exactly what she did. Some kids will always resist adoption.
Yes many will resist…… I wish it was easier. I just always knew I would help our kids reunite and I have always told them that.
I want to again thank you for being open to having an exchange with those who have lived through family separation and with those who assist them. I think the goal of this current crop of comments is to get someone who adopted to understand that reunion as it exists in adoption does not really give the adopted person both families legally and that is where the rage can stem from. Being reunited with her sister is not as good as never having her legal kinship terminated, never having your name entered as mother on her birth certificate, but still receiving your care in a long term foster setting with frequent facilitated visitation and the promise that she could return to the care of her own family whenever safe and possible. That kind of arrangement would let the child know that they were not expected to give anything up in exchange for being taken care of by another family and that the family caring for her was committed to taking good care of them while rooting for the child to get what they truly deserve, safe care and support by their own parents or relatives. You see expecting them to attach to the caregivers as if they are parents forever, is just way too much to ask of a child who logically understands that the only parents they have forever are the ones who made them – everything else is just legalese and illusion. Your parental rights have been terminated willingly. You are no longer legally her parents, the only connection you have is shared experience. Her mother’s rights were terminated and yet she is still her mother. She’s her mother even though she’s dead – she does not even need to be alive to be her mother and when her daughter has a child she will become a grandmother, even though she’s dead. Parenthood is caused by reproduction and it is truly forever; the law cannot terminate relationships it did not create and the law does not create real parenthood. The law can terminate parental rights but not genuine parenthood. If she’d remained fostered from the get go with adoption not an option she would have had facilitated visits with her mother if she was not incarcerated for abusing her and then the girl could have formed her own opinions about her mother’s behavior without resenting you for attempting to take not only her roll but her title as well. I know you’ve been trained to believe in adoption being good for abused and neglected kids but it comes at the expense of their true identities. You may well have spent a ton of money taking care of this out of control girl. You may have exhausted your savings and gotten hardly any support from the state. The state may have withheld information about her past or psychological problems that might have been critical in your determination to adopt her in the first place. Well that is because the state does not want financial responsibility for wards of the court and will do anything to get them adopted into private homes that are not on welfare. The state even offers financial bonuses for difficult children because they know it will cost less money than returning them to family who is on welfare or keeping them in foster care until 18. The state has a financial interest in the adoption of children and animals that it would otherwise have to care for or in the case of animals euthanize. Rich people don’t loose their kids to foster care, people on welfare do. It’s not about the drugs or alcohol really. Come on. Foster carers and adopters are not drug or alcohol tested before being handed kids, nor are they tested at regular intervals afterwards. If you are self supporting and provide medical care for your kids, the state does not want to know if your on drugs. Parents go into drug and alcohol treatment all the time without loosing their kids if they have jobs and are self supporting. Realize that the state dupes hopeful “adoptive” parents all the time and capitalizes on their desire to have a ‘forever’ child and the title of parent, then it ‘frees’ children for adoption. There is nothing freeing about having your identity changed and being cut off from your entire family legally so that the only way you can ever return to them is through a reunion that will never have any legal weight. I mean when women who adopt refer to the adopted child’s mother as their ‘birth mother’, it’s like well then why is the adoptive female’s name on the birth certificate too as mother? If they really are their birth parents leave them on the damned birth certificate and show the world officially on paper what they are telling the kids at home behind closed doors. Thanks for listening.
I really do understand where you are coming from and honestly after you adopt you don’t get the support that you sometimes need. At the same time because we wouldn’t finalize her adoption without Medicaid because we saw she had a lot of issues so they wanted to just move her. We were already like her 12th placement. So without adoption these kids would just keep being moved causing them even more problems. 4 of our kids have reactive attachment disorder (RAD). If you don’t know what this is please look it up. The front part of their brain doesn’t develop. They have no empathy or remorse. So moving them from place to place makes them worse. I wish I knew the answer. Keeping the kids in foster care isn’t the answer either also many kids want to be adopted. I really believe in being open and honest with the kids about their family. We adopted two newborns and from day one even though they were to little to understand I told them their story because if you wait when do you decide they are old enough? One of our babies was abandoned and he may never find his family but he knows……
Yellowrose’s comments make me smile. Your post is giving her hope that her grandchildren will behave as the girl you adopted did so that she can get them back. It seems the worst thing to say to an adopted person is that adoption is forever and that the people who adopted them are their parents and won’t ever let them go! Imagine how trapped you would feel! Imagine how resentful you would feel if the only people willing to feed you and house you wanted you to pretend that they were your parents and that you were their daughter. It would feel like selling your soul to the devil in order to survive. Foster care should not have an expiration date, people should never have to sacrifice their identity, name, legal kinship in order to be cared for as minors. They should always be able to return to the care of their parents or other family members if it is ever safe and possible. This idea that parents only have 2 years to fix their problems ignores the fact that circumstances may change for them later and when they do, it should still be their job to take care of their kids. Of course I’m only talking about returning fostered minors to parents who were not tried and convicted of abusing their children. In instances where they can’t return to their parents or other family members ever, they should just age out of the foster system. Kids bounce around in foster care for two reasons, 1) the placement is a bad personality fit (which is a reasonable reason) and 2) because the state threatens to move the child if the foster carer won’t adopt – (which is a reason contrived by the state to promote adoption) Really it’s all about the money for the state. They want to adopt out the children of parents on welfare at all costs because it will save the state hundreds of thousands of dollars in financial support over a child’s lifetime if they get them privately adopted. The state also thinks it ends inter-generational poverty this way but they do it at the expense of the freedom and liberty of those adopted out. Fighting back is not a disorder, its a reasonable reaction. Kids with “Rad” are often said to be angels for other adults outside the home and this is viewed as manipulative behavior when generally its because the kid feels comfortable around adults who are not trying to get something out of them (ie pretend to be my kid) and are not lying to them and about them (ie I’m your mother, your my daughter, this is your sister etc). A child might have no problem attaching to a care giver / long term baby sitter / guardian who was not trying to call themselves forever parents, referring to their mother and father with terms like “birth” or “bio”. They already have a forever family, right wrong or indifferent. They don’t need new parents, they just need caregivers. Kids in care may have a lot of legitimate psychological disorders from past experiences or genetics, but failure to bond to someone who is basically disillusion in exchange for having basic needs met is not disordered behavior its a sign they are able to cling to reality. The girl you adopted beat the odds. Most kids who misbehave in order to be kicked out don’t get to return to their real family, most wind up back in the foster system which is at least better than being adopted. That girl did not make a bad decision. She was courageous and fearless in her attempts to return to her family and real identity. Imagine how close you might still be to her if the whole time she was with you, you were telling her that her family is fighting to get her back and that she can go home just as soon as it is safe and possible. If instead of telling her you’d never let her go, you told her that you loved her so much you would never keep her from going home to her family and your only keeping her safe until they are ready for her again. Imagine how close she might still be to the adopted 10 year old that remained with you, if you had never referred to them as sisters but rather, referred to them as being raised ‘like sisters’. The 10 year old would not feel betrayed by the older girl going home, she’d miss her but be happy she got to go live with her sister after her mother’s tragic death. You could have her come visit during summer and spring break. Instead the 10 year old feels like her ‘sister’ abandoned the family. The way to end RAD behavior is to end adoption and promote guardianship.
I still believe in adoption. I believe it gives the kids stability, but for some kids or rather many kids they want their birth family no matter what. Most times it isn’t safe for them. When we adopted I just always knew I would help my kids reunite with their family. Like you said depending on why they were removed from their family would depend on when that could happen. It also depends on the child and if they are ready. Letting them reunite might only be visits and could cause more struggles for them and the adoptive family.
Our daughter’s mom was given 4 years before they terminated her rights. Some just can’t get it together. This was not a happy ending because her sister ended up not getting her and she aged out of foster care. Then she went to live with her sister but she couldn’t handle her and sent her to there brother. Her sister called me begging for help because they couldn’t handle her either. She has spent about a year and a half in jail and state hospital. I hear from her occasionally but not in a few weeks. I believe that had she just stayed with us and there might have been a better outcome. Sarah could have had more time to heal and could have had both families.
I think you may be correct in that had she stayed with you she might not have landed in jail or a state mental facility but it would have had to be under different circumstances than the traditional adoption that you had with her. Can you envision a situation where the state would have continued to provide support and facilitated visitation with her relatives with you as a long term foster carer? Your home would have been the same. Your dedication to her would have been the same. All her medical and psychiatric and educational needs would have been met at no out of pocket expense to you. If her behavior spiraled out of control you could have terminated your arrangement without jeopardizing your parental rights over other children in the home. (I hear that willingly terminating parental rights of an adopted minor places parental rights over other children in jeopardy). I don’t think “re-homing” is necessarily an unreasonable thing for people who are really just taking care of someone else’s children. You can’t be truly expected to have a forever obligation to a person you did not cause to exist. It’s not your mess to clean up and frankly if you were to reach your limit, everyone should thank you for your time and effort and not guilt you for giving up rather than thanking you for the having put up with it for so long. Foster care is supposed to provide safe out of home care for kids whose parents can’t or won’t take care of them….the state can put a termination date on it’s willingness to provide that support, but seizing children and stripping them of their identities and kinship rights so it can recycle them and turn them into the children of wealthier people should not be an option for the state. The state should just provide the foster care until it it is safe to return to some member of their family, even if that family member would need welfare. If that never happens the state should just keep the kid fostered until 18. Its far more respectful to the minor and the minor’s family who may not be in a position to assume responsibility for them, but who may love them very much. Truly difficult minor’s that nobody wants to adopt will stay fostered until 18 and in fact states have now extended foster care and foster adoption to 23 years old for its most difficult and disabled cases! If the state can retain the kinship rights and identities of those children until adulthood then it should be doing the same thing for all children, even the polite ones with high iq’s. The state offers bonus intensives for adopting foster youth that are 18-23, retarded or invalid. The state allows single men to adopt disabled adults. Let me ask you what kind of person adopts a mentally handicapped 20 year old boy or girl? That handicapped youth is cut off legally from anyone who might truly care about them and have a desire to protect them and they are ‘freed’ and handed over to anyone not on welfare who can pass a background check. But no drug tests no alcohol tests. At best those older foster youth are used for manual labor and at worst…..well you can only imagine. And there are no follow ups once the kids are adopted, its as-if-born to and the state no longer has any culpability for abuse inflicted by those who adopted. That is how the state wants it. They don’t want any liability for abuse these kids endure at the hands of a foster carer, so they want the foster carers to adopt so they can wash their hands of all responsibility. You need to realize that you and others who adopt are also victimized financially by states promoting adoption. It’s not for the good of the kids at all.
She was NOT your daughter. You adopted her. She is and always will have only 2 parents. The MOTHER who gave birth to her & her father who helped create her!! You may cry for your Adopted child, and that is fine. You may love her til the day you die, which is great…but you are NOT nor will you EVER be her MOTHER. You expected her to love her the way you love her and alot of times, it just doesn’t work out that way. I suggest you get over it with therapy. SHE WAS NEVER YOURS!!!
Search Co-OP Facebook ADMIN, thank you for saying everything I wanted to say. This woman is typical of all adopters. Ownership is what she desires along with fake “parenthood”. She sees nothing wrong with forcing a child who belongs to another family into playing a fake role as her “daughter”. The delusion is very strong in this one.
Lol!!!! You are so right!!! I was delusional!!!! I thought we were opening our home for kids that for whatever reason their family couldn’t take care of them. I had no Ideal that we would go through investigations or that I would be covered in bruises or be on crutches because my knees are so messed up because they were the target. I had no Ideal that our home would be destroyed and our vehicles messed up. You are so right I was delusion.
Also I never acted like I was their only family. I never forced our kids to act like they were our biological kids. In fact some of our kids were shocked if they met someone that wasn’t adopted. I would give anything in the world for our kids to not have gone through what they did.
You agreed you were delusional but as snarky as it sounds – I actually like you and regret the way I’m coming across to you now that I’m talking to you. I think there is an enormous marketing effort to people who can’t have kids and to those who can but wish to open their hearts and homes to unfortunate kids. I do realize that as much as me and those who I have helped are inclined to villianize those who adopt, that those who adopt have their hopes and dreams exploited for if not profit, at least savings by the state. I belive that most people adopt because they want the halls of their homes to be filled with the sounds of kinds giggling and crying and covered with fingerpaint and mud and later the sounds of teens late night sneaking out with friends and whatnot. There are some wicked people whose point is to exploit. I don’t think that is what people who adopt generally set out to do. I do think that your unusual in that you are willing to listen to what happens legally to an adopted person. You were willing to let one of the people you adopted try to go home and that practically makes you a folk hero in my circles. In fact I’ll go out on a limb and give you folk hero status for doing something that you’ve probably been scolded for by other people who adopt. We are saying how great it is that there is a happy ending and the girl got to go home. You are saying, Wait! Not a super happy ending but on principal alone you let her be free. No you never wanted to force a person to be your kid but would you have been willing to keep your name off their birth certificate and just remain a foster parent if the state was not pushing an agenda to adopt for its financial benefit? All I can say is that even now you stand a semi good chance of having a positive relation with that kid because you still have some concern for her even though you no longer need to have your last name branded across her birth certificate. As much as it may seem that you are facing criticism from this latest crop of comments there is much respect and props for your ultimate action and I’ll tell you that it is super hard for someone who adopts to be received well by those who view adoption as violating people’s constitutional rights. You have a pretty rare invitation and window into how many adopted people really feel even if they pretend to feel otherwise to keep the peace. You are clearly willing to listen and allow your page to be a place where different views can be heard. Maybe some of it will alter some old views. But please at minimum keep your eye open on what the state is really trying to do because its super bad for anyone who wants to adopt also
I want to thank you for allowing these comments to post. That is actually really great of you thanks so much for allowing some dialogue even if its not in alignment with your philosophy. Your openness is appreciated.
I want to invite you to join https://www.facebook.com/groups/thesearchcooperative and just observe, cheer people on in their searches or assist if a search is of interest to you. Not all searches end in joyful tearful hugging (that may be what you hate about reunion shows and our Admins are living through the harder reunions themselves and are there fully to support others who search in staying grounded in the search for truth) You’ve opened your house to our admins and members, come poke around our house in the world of duct taping broken families back together.
i am the biggest baby seal
(find out what that means in our group)
I sent a request to join….. Thank you for the invite.
Your welcome for the invite and so excited to have you join!!!!!!
Lol I saw that as an option but I felt like good or bad you commented so I needed to accept it. If everyone thought and felt the same way it would really be boring. I would like to know why you feel so strongly this way. Were you adopted or did you lose your children?
I have to say this though. All 6 of our kids are adopted and oh my word through the good and bad they are my kids. I am their mother. I never told any of our kids to call me mom. Most of our kids were younger but Sarah was 6 when she came to live with us. We were not God’s perfect will for our kids but because of their parents choices we were needed to fill the gap. I never liked people saying we were a blessing to our kids because they are a blessing to us. I never wanted to take someone else’s child. 4 of our kids have so many problems why would I have wanted to go through what I’ve been through? You have no ideal of the heartbreak that we have gone through over these kids. I do know in AR they give the parents every chance to get their child back. It’s not always in the best interest of the child to go back home. Sometimes the parents just can’t handle it. Right now I’ve been talking to our sibling group of 3 birth mom. We are planning on meeting her before Christmas. I’ve only met her one time before. She made bad choices and she was in foster care so I don’t feel like she was taught how to be a good mother. I want you to understand that I know there are people out there that try to take other people’s children and I’ve read horror stories about DHS taking kids when they shouldn’t have but I want you to know all of our kid’s parents had a chance to have their kids returned to them. Even the one that was kept in a cage and was told he had to many scars to count that he was tortured and had a fractured skull, broke arm, ribs, and other things.
I am so sorry if you were hurt ……
I get a little lost in whose replying to whom. As for me I have lost nobody to adoption. I am just a helper monkey! Other admins of the search co-op have lost family to adoption and certainly some of the other members who have commented or who may comment have all lost family to adoption. I have suffered 13 miscarriages and the death of a child at birth and was advised to adopt or ‘use’ donors to have a family. So keep in mind that I have been in that place of desperation to have children with my spouse but because of what I’d learned from having helped with so many reunions already at that point many years ago, I could not in good conscience involve myself in adoption or donor conception. Very few people in that position have as many adopted and donor ofspring friends as I had so I can’t fault people for not having been exposed to that world view. I did go on to have a daughter who is still living because of a very brilliant obgyn who was studying novel procedures to eliminate my type of infertility issues.
As you continue to engage in discussion with me (I’m Marilynn) and the other admins (Melissa has posted comments here) and other members of the search group, my goal would be to get you to think critically about your statement where you said:
“I do know in AR they give the parents every chance to get their child back.”
Your statement parrots what CPS and their media consultants tell the community at large – that parents get EVERY chance to get their child back. Is that truly true? How long does childhood last in the united states? That is, at what point is a person who was a child considered to be an adult? The answer is typically 18 years; earlier if emancipated and longer if the person is disabled and considered physically dependent upon the care of others beyond 18 years. Every minor is born with a legal expectation of care and support by the individuals documented as having reproduced to cause their existence. That expectation of care and support certainly does not outlast their childhood which as described above is typically 18 years (longer or shorter in extenuating circumstances). Along with that legal expectation of care and support is an expectation of legal kinship to those individuals who caused their existence and to those individuals relatives that outlasts their childhood and in fact outlasts their own lives. It’s pretty simple really; we each have an enforceable expectation that our vital records of birth are biologically accurate and we have an enforceable expectation to be able to obtain biologically accurate vital records of our immediate relatives because those records inform us of relationships that impact who we are in relation to other individuals in the world; ie am i a brother, uncle, grandfather, father, nephew, cousin to someone? You are thinking of the situation in terms of parental rights to possession of a child when in reality the person with the right to expect something from someone is the minor who expects a duty by the parent and who has an expectation that they’d be recognized as legal kin in their own family. The problem with the law is that it turns minors, who are just people, into property that can be transfered and recycled rather than respected and protected from harm to not just their bodies but their freedoms, rights and liberties. The ideal situation is that children be cared for and raised by the parents who created them so long as it is safe and possible. Shouldn’t a child’s legal expectation of care by their own parents or relatives if safe and possible be protected for the entire duration of their childhood? Shouldn’t parents be expected to do their jobs for their offspring for the entire duration of their childhood? In your case the mother of the person you adopted died prior to her daughter’s 18th birthday. This is horrific and tragic. Her daughter should in fact receive social security death benefits until her 18th birthday because her mother’s obligation to her never should have been terminated even while she was being cared for by others. If she were a foster youth, never adopted, she’d get social security until she was 18 to help support her or to be put in trust for her for when she was an adult. Was her mother really given every opportunity to get her child back if her obligations were terminated prior to her child’s 18th birthday? The answer is “No”. Parents loose their rights all the time without loosing their parental obligations. Happens all the time in the case of sole custody by one parent and happens all the time in foster care prior to the termination of parental rights. I take no issue with terminating parental rights if the parent has their day in court with a jury and is actually convicted of a crime against their child. That does not mean their obligation to support their child is canceled, nor does it mean their child’s birth certificate or legal kinship is altered. All it means is that their behavior cost them custody and control over the minor and the minor’s activities. The minor’s rights can be retained even when the parent’s rights are terminated so long as the minor is not adopted. If the minor is adopted the minor looses their rights and they are assigned rights as kin to those who adopt them which is clearly a case of separate but equal like the right to water from a fountain exclusively for ‘colored people’. Sure they have kinship rights to some family but it is not rights as kin to their family and its a big difference. Their own family may be poorer than that of the one that adopted them and it may even be to the child’s financial benefit to have rights within the richer adoptive family, but ethically this is not equal because it is not their own family. They have lost the right to be notified by authorities if a parent dies or if a sibling dies and it does not matter if that family dies with a needle in their arm in the gutter of skid row – their opportunity to collect that family member’s personal effects, to ensure their family member’s body is treated respectfully and not as an unknown vagrant is completely lost with adoption and that is a violation of the soul and human dignity. It is something no God fearing person or atheist ethical person can participate in with good conscience once they understand that legally, the adopted person is nothing in relation to their own kin.
“It’s not always in the best interest of the child to go back home. Sometimes the parents just can’t handle it.” So true and tragic. Maybe they just can’t handle it today or within the time limits set by CPS but what if they can handle it tomorrow, or next year, or one year prior to their lost child’s 18th birthday? Isn’t one year in the loving care of their capable parent better than none? Isn’t one year of their childhood finally getting what they deserve better than none? Isn’t one year finally in the company of their real siblings better than none? If that day never comes is it not better to have protected the right of a minor to their parents care better than having assumed that their parents would fail them and that their kinship in their own family was disposable in order for the state to save money? It’s possible to provide stability and safety for children whose parents can’t take care of them, while also providing them with the self esteem that comes from being valued for who they are as they are with the knowledge that even though their parents may be incapable of caring for them that they are still worthy of care by others who expect nothing in return from them. The closeness that can be achieved with a child who sees that they are cared for by someone who has no expectation of a return on their investment of time and money cannot be compared to what someone gets when they have an expectation that the child they are caring for will think of them as a parent and be theirs forever. It’s just not even in the same ballpark.
So did the family of the girl you terminated parental rights for truly have every chance to be returned to the care of her own family or were the chances limited to a time period that ended prior to the end of her childhood? She was shortchanged, not by you, who ultimately did the kindest thing possible, but by the state who views her rights as disposable. I definitely don’t fault you for terminating rights to give her a chance at a life with her own family. In fact I applaud you and would take to task anyone that gave you shit about your decision.
Thank you for approving my comment even though it differs from yours. Most adoptive parents seem to delete any comment they see as critical. I appreciate your willingness to engage in discussion.
I don’t disagree with most of what you are saying, but I do believe that these kids needs stability. As a foster parent the caseworkers didn’t always have the best interest of the kids in mind and as a foster parent there were times we were told to just be quite and remember they are just foster kids. There were times when we asked for something that the supervisor said just move the kid. The first 3.5 years we were foster parents we had a terrible supervisor.
I have no doubt the supervisor sucked, ignored the kids needs, ignored your pleas for assistance etc etc. When the unbiased arbitrator of facts is paid by the same state that stands to benefit by offloading the kids to an adoptive family at all costs – it would be surprising if they did not do things that were irresponsible