I wake up and my stomach is a little queasy because I know that I am going to get on the roller coaster………as I am standing in line in front of it I see it…….. I feel it shaking the ground……I hear it…it’s so loud……I hear screaming….my stomach is in knots……my knees are starting to feel a little weak……at first it is a smooth ride then I see it slowing climbing that hill ….oh goodness then in an instant it is a straight drop off….it’s going fast now…..oh phew …oh wait I didn’t see that sharp curve…or that loop…..oh my another loop ….uh…..I… I…. I think I am going to change my mind and I’m not getting on this one……..sigh I can’t not get on…….it is my life……sometimes each day I get on it first thing in the morning and other times I don’t have to get on it until night….other times I stay on it all day long………thankfully sometimes I don’t have to get on it any more (although I have been on it today LOL).
When we adopted we knew that we were adopting children that had been hurt, but we were clueless about reactive attachment disorder (RAD). LOL and so were the case workers, and CASA , and even the therapist…..every one said lots of love and time…..yes time to drive me nuts LOL. So many people think that there is tons of support for adoptive families, but there isn’t. You are on your own unless you are blessed to have workers that understand RAD and that is very rare. Once we had kids with RAD it took me two years to stumble upon a forum that had a support group for RAD and it was the mom’s there that taught me what to do and where to go for resources.
Our children have healed a lot and I don’t miss the roller coasters that I used to get on every day….some were just small ones while others where the really big ones and the person that stops it went on a very long break……for all of you parents that still get on the roller coaster more often than you would like….hang in there….it does eventually come to a stop.
I know this is a little late coming but I am a mom of 6 so what can I say……lol a few years ago when Mother’s Day came around I dreaded it so bad…..I love my mom but I had to make myself go through the motions of that day……I know I sound like I am whining but for the first 10 years that we were married it was hard because we didn’t have kids and it was really hard to get through the day and as the years progressed it was harder and harder……one year we went to church with my mom and we were greeted at the door and a lady was handing out a bookmark to the mom’s and she handed me one and then snatched it back and said oh you aren’t a mom……I had already started the morning off crying because I wasn’t a mom and this brought fresh tears….goodness suck them up and paste on that smile…….when they recognized the mom’s I was the only lady not standing including a young teenage mom……that afternoon we all went to my mom’s after church and our lunch ended with my sister (sorry if you are reading this lol) telling all of the men they need to clean up because it’s Mother’s Day and then said you aren’t a mom so you have to help…..I lost it…..it was probably the first time that I expressed to my family how I felt. She would have never said that if she knew it was going to hurt me. I said that day that I would never step foot back in church on Mother’s Day. The following year I did but we were working in children’s church so I was able to hide from the mother’s being recognized. At the end of that service our pastor hunted me down all the way at the other end of the church and got down on one knee and said I present you this rose….we have prayed over it and you will have a child…….the next year I did become a mom but it was the next year that I had my first Mother’s Day that I was looking forward to only to have my son throwing up all over me and he spent the rest of the day throwing up…..lol So I did spend the next several years enjoying that special day but where did it go…why did I all of a sudden wish Mother’s Day meant a day that since I was a Mother I could do what I wanted and that was to just stay home and ignore all of the hoopla…..let’s see could it be because every holiday my kids go bonkers?? It was just to much work and to much aftermath……something about our kids that have reactive attachment disorder (RAD) that any special event just stimulates them to much and they sabotage it. I realize now that especially in our oldest daughter (13 now) I am sure she felt torn between showing me honor and her birth mom. I wish I knew then what I know now I think we could have talked some things out. Maybe it would have helped. I spent the first 10 years crying because I wasn’t a mother and then had a few wonderful years and then went back to crying and dreading it…..told you I sounded like I was whining….for at least 5 years I spent Mother’s day having to restrain kids and being cussed out and hit and spit on and so on and one year my daughter was in a rtc, but we got through those years and this year with the exception of not being able to see my mom I had a wonderful day…….the kids have healed a lot and and was so good to me…..it was a very nice so now maybe from here on out I can once again look forward to Mothers Day and not dread it………..