In my opinion it’s really sad that someone that has known you for years or in some cases all of your life will believe a child over us but it happens…….
In my opinion it’s really sad that someone that has known you for years or in some cases all of your life will believe a child over us but it happens…….
If that was my kid…… have you ever heard that or even better have you ever said it. I remember way back when if I saw a kid acting up or being disrespectful to their parents that I would say there is no way if that was my child they would act like that…….well…..
That was me. I was clueless……I was uneducated. Sure there are lots of kids that act that way because they aren’t made to mind, but then there are kids like mine that has childhood trauma that causes extreme behaviors.
Yesterday was one of those days that I was wishing for one of “those” people that thinks if they had a child for a week they would change them. Oh my goodness that made me laugh again.
The problem with that is a week wouldn’t be long enough. Most kids have that honeymoon period which can last for several weeks or longer. I don’t think our 14 year old would take that long but our 13 year old would. Also You have to consider that many of us parents that have traumatized kids (RAD more specifically) have grasped at straws on what to do so we are stricter than most people will be. Our kids would be in Heaven until they started destroying your home or your possessions or hurting your pets or kids. Then things would start changing.
At this point though Hey if you think you can change a child in a week I could really use a vacation. LOL I know you can’t change them that quick and I know you will think that I’m a horrible parent because “with you” they are so wonderful but hey a break would be worth it so just holler……lol I can pack their bags really fast…….
Mom did God make her leave?
No sweetie He didn’t make her leave.
Then why did she leave?
This is not a question that I ever thought I would be asked. It sure isn’t a question that has an easy understandable answer for a 10 year old that loved her only sister with all of her heart. When does the heartache stop? When do the tears stop flowing? Probably never……
In our eyes it is so hard for us to understand why our daughter was so obsessed with her bio family. So obsessed that she didn’t want us any more. More than my heart breaking it hurts more than anything having to hold our youngest daughter while she cries herself to sleep because she misses her sister so much.
Why does it have to be so hard? I thought adoption was supposed to be happy….. Don’t get me wrong there are many many happy moments but with any adoption there is heartbreak. Some more heartbreak than others.
Did God make her leave? No He didn’t. We were not His first plan for her. We were His alternate plan for her because her mom failed to take care of her the way she should have. It was His plan since the first plan didn’t work for us to have her. Satan lies, cheats, tricks us and whatever else he can do to cause us to make the wrong choices in life unlike God who loves us and allows us to make our own choices. God will not force us to make the right choice. The Holy Spirit is with us to encourage us but so many times we just don’t listen. So no sweetie she made her own choice to leave us because she wanted her bio family more.
I am thankful that she was our daughter even though my heart is breaking. We were able to give her a firm foundation in God’s word. We were able to train her up in the way of the Lord and one day she will return not only to the Lord but to us……..
Last year I wrote When Adoption Isn’t Forever, but now even though this is a similar title adoption doesn’t mean forever anymore to my other kids. So now what??? How do I tell them that they are mine forever when we had to disrupt an adoption.
It will be a year in April that we disrupted one of our adoptions. It wasn’t what we wanted but, we had no choice. One of our boys has settled down and is back to usually one bad day a week while our other son struggles daily again. He has other issues as well as RAD so it complicates things even more.
What is his trigger??? Anything!!!! Usually it’s very small things. Today he thought someone was eating something and immediately went into a rage. When I say rage I mean if I wrote what he said this would become a rated R blog for the language and violence. He could see that no one was eating but, he already had that thought in his head that someone was eating. So why didn’t I just get him something to eat…….well that’s another issue. I have a problem with a child DEMANDING that I feed him immediately. Maybe I’m wrong…..I keep praying and asking the Lord if I’m wrong please show me………
I have given into him when it was just a fit and it didn’t work. He just wanted me to give into him more. I’ve also tried feeding him something every 30 minutes. That didn’t work either…….I’ve thought well maybe he is hungry and needs more food so I have let him eat until he was full…..(one time at a pizza buffet he ate 22 pieces of pizza) as you can see that takes a lot of food. Then we find poop in the toy box or where ever he decides to poop. So we can’t do that.
I guess I said all of this to say……childhood trauma stinks!!! There is nothing we can say to him that will make him feel that adoption is forever. Nothing!!! So while my bruises heal and my sore body heals remember I am not alone. There are many other families going through the same thing that we are going through….. so be kind and offer support. Hint: support doesn’t mean advice unless you truly get it……….
Breathe in …….breathe out……..breathe in……..breathe out……..breathe in…………………………………………………….oh yeah breathe out……….
Do you ever have those days that you are just walking on egg shells around your kids? I know that was a crazy question. It seems like many times we are doing this very thing. We have been doing it a lot more lately. It seems like it is constant. Our 14 year old daughter has really been struggling the last few months and even more the last three weeks. Since her bio mom died things just keep coming out that she went through. Every where we go there is a memory. All of a sudden some of my perfume that used to not be a problem now triggers memories.
When does it stop? When do the memories stop? I know you have the same question and no answer either except we know that with time and with the help of the Lord they will get easier to handle and they won’t hurt so bad. A few weeks ago she decided to cut her hair again for the third time. We had all scissors put up but she had a great day so I let my guard down and let her get her own things to get ready to take her shower and she got a razor and shaved the back of her head. She began ripping her clothes completely off and cussing. Now this is a child that for two years did wonderful and had healed so much and it was so nice to say that she no longer did the things that she used to do. She loved God and instead of trying to hurt everyone she would try to take care of them. She had remorse and empathy. So now where did my daughter go that took 6 years to see love radiating from her eyes. Where did my daughter go that loved the Lord and would go around singing worship songs to Him. Where was she???????
Who is this child that now sings rated R songs and acts like a stripper? Who is this child that looks at me with hate? Who is this child that it’s been recommended for us to put her in rtc, but I said no because I know that it will only hurt her more?
I’ll tell you who she is………she is a child of the King!!!
So that brings me back to walking on egg shells…….today is the 6th day that she has not had a major raging fit. We are doing a lot of praying! Every little bit I’m having her to apply the blood of Jesus to cover her from head to toe and asking Jesus to help her to obey and asking Jesus fill her with peace so her fear will leave.
Has this been easy? Of course not! Every time she smarts off or does things that she knows that she isn’t supposed to do I want to go off on her which is why I am taking a lot of deep breaths. LOL Have I yelled at her? Of course but I quickly tell her to pray, and she is doing it. She is making it. She knows she will still get a consequence for her actions, but she is starting to keep it together again. I am still seeing anger and frustration in her but I am not seeing the pure hate. This was just another huge bump in the road. A really big one!!! I am believing that she is back on her way up!
Mother’s Day! Mother’s Day? Mother’s day …….. am I excited, am I happy or am I sad? Well that depends lol sometimes there are so many emotions that comes with Mother’s Day that it can be confusing. For 10 years I cried myself to sleep every night begging God for a child not understanding why He wouldn’t bless us with a bundle of joy. Now I know that there were many reasons for it. I’ve had some really good Mother’s Days and then some really bad ones. Today it’s kind of shaky and still a little early to know if we will make it through the day without a lot of unnecessary drama. You see I love all of my kids so very much and God blessed us with 6 beautiful kids, but they are hurting.
That hurt can come out in many different ways. I wish I could just take it all away. If only it was that easy. If I could just hold them and let them cry it out. I could do that but instead they are angry and oftentimes are violent and confused. Our daughter has healed enough that although she has regressed and is really struggling she is sorry for her actions. It doesn’t make it any easier though. I’m tired and hurting physically from our kids.
There are days that I want to quit but then I feel determination to keep going only to feel that way again during the next fit of rage. It’s a constant battle. My new favorite song is Break Every Chain by Tasha Cobbs …… our kids have chains on them of past abuse and those chains fall on our whole family at times. Those chains are going to be broken …….we are playing this song 24/7 in our home and vehicle. These chains are falling……..
My heart is heavy after last nights destruction from the tornadoes ……..they hit close to us and today we have learned that my husband’s co-worker lost his home and they can’t find the company truck. We also have friends that had connections with other ones that have lost their homes and even some that lost their lives and this brings it closer to home.
Our home is a safe place for our kids. They feel safe at home while other places they are sometimes unsure. Especially our daughter right now since she has had so many repressed memories to come out. This lead me to think about these families that lost their homes and if they already have traumatized kids and how this would affect them.
Of course when they are affected it then affects the whole family. What steps can we take in the event this happens to make it easier for our kids? What can we do when we are under tornado warnings and they have the fear that they may lose their only truly safe place?
I am sitting here thinking that maybe I need to rethink about what we grab when we go to our storm shelter……I have some important papers and things in a box when we are preparing we take that box to the shelter….of course we get other things like water, snacks, flashlights, laptop, phones…….but now I am thinking that we need to think of the kids and if they have a favorite blanket or a stuffed animal or if they have something that is important to them……maybe these things aren’t what we would think as being important but just maybe just maybe they might really help our kids……. sometimes it’s the little things that helps us get over a hurdle……..
What do you think??????
Zero…..zero…..zero….yes that is usually the social life that we have. I’ve been there. Thankfully I have a little more of one now than I did even last year. It is still a struggle to do things. I am tired, stressed, hurting, and honestly it’s just easier to stay home. Last December I made up my mind that I was no longer going to let my kids hold me hostage in our home. It has been nice going to activities that the church has or going out to eat after church. How about going to Christian skate night or bowling with friends …..yes I said it with friends. YAY! Now we had friends but we never did anything it was to hard. Going out meant that we were going to be judged about how we parented. I knew some wouldn’t like it because I wouldn’t let all of my kids skate or bowl according to their behavior. See why it was just easier to stay home …… good parenting isn’t about being fair it is about giving each of our kids what they need to help them to be better. If one of my kids was a diabetic no one would say that it wasn’t fair if I let some of my kids have sugar but didn’t let one, but mental illness can’t be seen. Many don’t know that the quite sweet child sitting in the church pews wants to kill us or cusses us or the many other things they do. We are blessed with GREAT friends that understands.
A couple of weeks ago after church several families was going to Pizza Hut. We had had a really bad week with two of our kids and there was no way that I was treating them to pizza but was it fair to not let the others go? Of course not, they had missed out on it for several years because of them so I had my husband go buy some bread and peanut butter and I sat in the vehicle with two of our kids. I felt like even our friends would think I was being to hard if I took them inside and made them eat sandwiches. So I while sat in the vehicle with a child that was raging our pastor told my husband that I needed to bring them in and another friend kept insisting. So we went in. I am thankful for our pastor and our friends that support us. I pray that anyone reading this that has friends that have special needs children (it don’t just have to be children with RAD) will reach out to them. Read up on their disorder. Be more understanding and ask them to go do things. Ask them what they can do. Don’t give up on them see what you can do to help bring them out again. None of us want to just be stuck at home. We feel like we are forced to do it and most of the time it is because our friends just don’t understand. Ask me I’ll be glad to educate you and I bet your friend will too…….. Patti
I finally figured out what our son is doing……. he’s trying to get better cell phone service …..he needed more bars …..
I posted this in one of the RAD support groups last night and it is amazing at how many have walls just like ours……
We don’t even let him stay in his room when he is mad so when he does this he is in complete control……so the question is why does he do it……..
Reactive attachment disorder is so complex……we all have so many why’s……. it’s not just the holes in the walls …..it’s the doors pulled off the hinges or the shattered windows…..or peeing on the ceiling or in the vents or closets or anywhere other than the toilet…….
it’s constantly stealing food although there is no way they could still be hungry….or ripping their clothes…..oh my the cussing……
The list goes on and on….it’s hard to believe that the little angels that sit in the pews at church being perfect is destructive and can be so violent at home.
So why? Why are they like this? Past trauma they just can’t seem to get over it. They smell something….they hear something….they taste something……they see something……
Jordan was doing really good until my husband’s wreck and that along with other things really rocked his boat. I believe that he is afraid of losing me so it easier on him if he just tries to push us away……….then he don’t have to face rejection.
So what do we do as parents? Did I just ask that? Surely you don’t expect me to answer….LOL
Well as you can see by the Can you hear me yet I use humor…….I also first and foremost PRAY!!!! I pray and then I pray some more……. I keep him close to me. I try not to over react when I see a new hole or the many other things that they do. What good is that going to do? It’s going to make me have stroke or heart attack……it’s going to cause hatred to grow in my heart…..it is going to cause many more gray hairs……it’s going to cause…well I’ll let you fill in the blank.
Ok so I am busted…..I have a lot of gray hair….LOL I also get very stressed even if I don’t react…..ok so I’m not perfect….I have even not liked him. Yes like is different than love…..I have never stopped loving my kids no matter what they have done and it’s not that I have not liked them but I sure haven’t liked their behavior. I think another big thing that helps me is to not take anything personally.
Well I am out of time so all in the day with Jordan….I will say this it is 5:03 pm and he hasn’t had any major meltdowns yet…whoo hoo…….
It’s been a little over a month since her birth mom passed away. Just like everything else that has happened it has always taken her a few weeks before she would start acting out. This time of course she isn’t raging just being defiant so this is really huge as far as progress goes. I am broken hearted as I write this this because she has started telling me lots and lots of things that is hard to hear.
We knew after only just a few days with us that she had been hurt sexually but never in my life did I dream that she had been holding so much in for all of these years. It’s easy to see now why she didn’t trust us for so many years. So why is she telling us now? This is only what I am thinking so if you have a thought about it please share your thoughts with me. I believe that either she was afraid her mom would get in trouble or that because she was told if she told anyone that they would kill her and her mom so she was probably protecting her.
Either way now that I know that she went through more than I ever imagined I can understand why she fought so hard to not trust us. I don’t think I would trust anyone either.
As you look at your child today it doesn’t matter how old they were when they came to live with you. It doesn’t matter if you think yes they went through a lot or I just don’t think they went through enough to justify why they are acting so bad. The point is we just really don’t know what they have been through. Even one thing happening to them is bad, I knew Sarah went through things just not to what extent. Her mother loved her but was mentally sick and just didn’t take care of her the way that she needed to and that is why yes I knew she was neglected but she did have a mom that loved her very much.
I would like to encourage you today to look beyond the fits and everything else that comes with RAD and try to look at why they may be doing the things that they are doing. My heart breaks for my daughter and I want to wrap my arms around her and never let her go, but at the same time she still is responsible for her actions. So I still have to follow through. I am still very proud of her even if she is breaking my heart and driving me crazy all at the same time………….