Tag Archive | PTSD

Help at school

School has started and I used to have a lot of anxiety when school started but that was before I started homeschooling our kids. Of course there is some anxiety that comes with homeschooling 6 kids but it’s not the same as when they were in public school. I was very blessed to have a school that took time to listen to me and learned about RAD. Not every one is that blessed. Being in the support groups that I am in I see it all the time where the teachers or the principle or any of the staff members just believe our precious little angels (angels in training). They don’t listen to the parent , they won’t read a book or other literature that the parent brings.

If I were to go to the school and tell my child’s teacher that my child was a diabetic then they would make sure that they followed the strict guidelines so that my child could stay healthy. They would probably ask questions and would want to learn more to help our child. Can they look at your  child and tell that they are a diabetic? Of course not. So why are they so eager to help.

So now imagine this……I go to the school and I talk with my child’s teacher and I tell her my child is diabetic but the first day of school she has those big baby blue eyes batting at her and she wants a piece of candy and she tells the teacher that she’s not diabetic and her mom only said that because she didn’t want her to have any candy so the teacher says oh well here you go. Now what would happen to my child……that’s right my child could get sick and the longer it happened the worse my child could get. This is exactly what happens to a lot of children that have reactive attachment disorder.

The parent goes to the school to talk to the teacher.  Explains to the teacher that their child has RAD and probably even left the teacher a letter explaining even more about it. All the parent can do now is pray that they will read it and believe them. BUT the child doesn’t do their homework at home because they are to busy screaming and destroying things. So the child tells their teacher I couldn’t do my homework because I didn’t have a pencil or paper or crayons and the list goes on and on and the teacher sends home notes everyday saying MUST DO HOMEWORK. I know that, but she/he won’t stop screaming. Yikes. They are so kind though and they really want your child to succeed and I believe with all of my heart that they do, but our children are just so good at what they do. After all didn’t they fool you too in the beginning? Well two of ours did and two of them just let their hair down or rather pulled it out……

If you are a teacher or you work with children it is important that you listen to your parents. It doesn’t have to be just RAD it can be other issues as well. So listen to your parents if they tell you that there child has a disorder that you are not very familiar with then educate yourself. If you are educated then you can help these children to succeed. If you don’t then you are setting them up for failure and very possibly ruining their life. Does that sound a little dramatic? Well not in the world of reactive attachment disorder.

I do want to say that while my children were manipulating their teachers especially our oldest daughter I was clueless about RAD as well as our children’s therapist and doctor. When I learned what RAD was and how to treat it then I passed it to the school and I was so blessed to have teachers that were willing to go the extra mile and get educated.

I do hope that you will share this with any one that works with children. Let’s get educated!!!!

Patti Hearon

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What will define me?

I hope to instill this into my children’s lives “It’s not what I have been through in my life that defines who I am, it’s how I got through it that has made me the person that I am today”.

Choices ….it’s all about choices. What kind of choice will you make today. You have a blank page today and you will write your history. You can’t go back and erase what happened yesterday, but you can write something today that you won’t want to erase tomorrow.

I was having a conversation with our 9 year old and he was asking me questions about how we should act. He finally looked at me and said I am just a hippo. Of course he was trying to say he was a hypocrite. Lol He realized that he would act one way at church and act another way at home, but I am thankful that he does recognize the fact that his behavior is not the way it should be.

Our children or maybe even you have been through things that we may never even know but how are you going to make it through those things? How is your child going to make it through those things? I tell my older kids to get more of God in your life and these other things won’t have room to stay. It is a battle so what are you doing to equip yourself or your child to fight this battle.

I was going to make a list of things that we do but I would like to see if we can get more of you to post and write one thing that you do to prepare yourself or your child for battle.

One thing that we do is to apply the blood of Jesus over our kids from the top of their heads to the soles of their feet for protection.

Tag your it……..

Patti

I’m so vain (at least I think I must be)

I’m so vain……♫♪…♫♪♪♫.♥♫•……I must think this song is about me…..LOL ok I don’t know that song except for that part…….but reading other parent’s post that have kids with reactive attachment disorder, (RAD) I wonder what is wrong with me……. am I vain and just think that I am good or what….I read about parents struggling with thinking they are bad parents ……. that they are doing everything wrong….but I on the other hand totally put the blame on my kids. I am quick to say that it is their fault…..LOL Do I make mistakes? Of course I do, but making mistakes does not make you a bad parent. Our kids require a lot from us and we have to search and search for things that work for our kids and when we find something we use it until it stops working……..if it takes us a month or longer to find something that works IT ISN’T OUR FAULT!!! So put the blame where it goes……and where is that? What I can’t hear you…..WHERE???? That’s right…it is little Johnny or sister Sue….they make their choices to follow the rules or not…….so pat yourself on the back and know that you are a great parent!!!

Think about it what normal parent has these rules……..Don’t pee in the litter box…..Don’t pee in the vent (especially if it’s on the ceiling)…….don’t pee on the mirror…..or in the toy box………and no peeing on your school work…..ok moving away from the peeing……lol how about no pooping in the middle of you bedroom floor……….no pooping in my Tupperware containers and then putting it under your bed……..or the little tikes caboose…….or no pooping in your dresser…….Now,  I am just getting started on a few rules at my house…….as you know there are many more…….

So then there is no going to the bathroom without permission and you have to get the toilet paper from me…….(nothing like stuffing toilet paper in the drain and leaving the water on)…..you can’t get a drink without permission……..you can not leave the living room……you can’t play in your bedrooms…….you can’t open a door without permission…..you can’t shut a door without permission…….Don’t eat out of the trash…….do not touch the pets……no whispering…….no tickling…..no hide and seek……no piggy back rides….no hiding knives in your room……..ok I know that’s enough…….so again I’ll ask you…….if it seems that nothing you do works does that mean that you are a bad parent……oh my goodness no…..if you didn’t kill your child for pooping and smearing it on the wall….hey you are a great GREAT parent…….

The definition of vain is this……Having or showing an excessively high opinion of one’s appearance, abilities, or worth…..So am I vain…..LOL Yes I am…..I have told my kids I am a great parent…..and you better thank God that I am because if I wasn’t oh my goodness…..you would be missing a few teeth……and you would be moved by now……So all of you beautiful super parents out there…..hold your head high and know that you are raising kids that not many other parents would even try to raise……HAHA Join me in the Vanity Club for kids with RAD……..

 

Proverbs  29:17 Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; he will  give delight to your heart.

 Patti

Mother’s Day

I know this is a little late coming but I am a mom of 6 so what can I say……lol a few years ago when Mother’s Day came around I dreaded it so bad…..I love my mom but I had to make myself go through the motions of that day……I know I sound like I am whining but for the first 10 years that we were married it was hard because we didn’t have kids and it was really hard to get through the day and as the years progressed it was harder and harder……one year we went to church with my mom and we were greeted at the door and a lady was handing out a bookmark to the mom’s and she handed me one  and then snatched it back and said oh you aren’t a mom……I had already started the morning off crying because I wasn’t a mom and this brought fresh tears….goodness suck them up and paste on that smile…….when they recognized the mom’s I was the only lady not standing including a young teenage mom……that afternoon we all went to my mom’s after church and our lunch ended with my sister (sorry if you are reading this lol) telling all of the men they need to clean up because it’s Mother’s Day and then said you aren’t a mom so you have to help…..I lost it…..it was probably the first time that I expressed to my family how I felt. She would have never said that if she knew it was going to hurt me. I said that day that I would never step foot back in church on Mother’s Day. The following year I did but we were working in children’s church so I was able to hide from the mother’s being recognized. At the end of that service our pastor hunted me down all the way at the other end of the church and got down on one knee and said I present you this rose….we have prayed over it and you will have a child…….the next year I did become a mom but it was the next year that I had my first Mother’s Day that I was looking forward to only to have my son throwing up all over me and he spent the rest of the day throwing up…..lol So I did spend the next several years enjoying that special day but where did it go…why did I all of a sudden wish Mother’s Day meant a day that since I was a Mother I could do what I wanted and that was to just stay home and ignore all of the hoopla…..let’s see could it be because every holiday my kids go bonkers?? It was just to much work and to much aftermath……something about our kids that have reactive attachment disorder (RAD) that any special event just stimulates them to much and they sabotage it. I realize now that especially in our oldest daughter (13 now) I am sure she felt torn between showing me honor and her birth mom. I wish I knew then what I know now I think we could have talked some things out. Maybe it would have helped. I spent the first 10 years crying because I wasn’t a mother and then had a few wonderful years and then went back to crying and dreading it…..told you I sounded like I was whining….for at least 5 years I spent Mother’s day having to restrain kids and being cussed out and hit and spit on and so on and one year my daughter was in a rtc, but we got through those years and this year with the exception of not being able to see my mom I had a wonderful day…….the kids have healed a lot and and was so good to me…..it was a very nice so now maybe from here on out I can once again look forward to Mothers Day and not dread it………..

There is no place for fear (or shouldn’t be)

As time progresses and your kids have healed and you start getting a little more comfortable not worrying about certain things, like being investigated. So many foster/adopt families have gone through at least one. It is scary and when you live with children that have reactive attachment disorder those chances increase. I know families that have lost their kids or been arrested and some have lost their jobs.

Our last investigation was 3 years ago. Our 6 year old came home from school with a black eye but it was so faint that when I tried to take a picture of it you couldn’t see it. I didn’t say anything because his fits of rage were so bad and it wasn’t his first and I knew it probably wasn’t his last one and we could never get a straight answer from him about anything.  Little did I know that the next day we would be under investigation. Of course they got a straight answer (right). The school said that he told them that his dad hit him. The investigator told us what was reported was a blackeye and the child said his dad hit him and he was covered in scratches and bruises and had a hand print on his face. He said there wasn’t anything there and he asked them where are they. So the investigation was unfounded that day.

This was less than a week before school would be out for summer. When school was out he went 2 weeks without getting in trouble for anything. It later came out that three teachers would hold him down face first on the floor when he threw his fits so we figured they did it and was trying to cover their tails……..

We live way out and if anyone is going to come visit they call first to make sure that we are home. Unless it’s the state police or DHS. So anytime we would hear a knock at the door I would get sick and I would throw up. Our daughter used to love knocking and saying someone’s out there because she knew I would get sick. I had to make up my mind that I was letting go of the fear. I had to take control so when she would do that I started saying oh ok…..and I let it go.

Well it’s been a long time and I am homeschooling and that takes away a lot of the manipulation from our kids, but today someone knocked on the door and I started shaking really bad my chest started hurting and I felt like I was going to throw up. I ordered something and I wasn’t expecting it until Friday, but I got it today……..so will it go away……we aren’t supposed to live in fear and I don’t live in fear but it sure hit me today.

II Timothy 1:7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

Reactive Attachment Disorder ……..What is it? Do you know? Please take time to learn about this disorder…….it could save a life…..are you a doctor? you need to know….are you a pastor? you need to know…..are you a teacher? a therapist? a case worker? children’s church pastor? daycare worker? psychiatrist? judge? lawyer? an aunt or uncle? grandparent? yes pretty much everyone needs to know…..

Having adopted 4 children with this disorder we were clueless. I had to learn on my own. Thankfully when I did learn our kids were still young and our teen wasn’t severe and we know how to pray…..our kids have healed a lot…..

Friday night one of my friends that is in a support group for RAD was murdered……they believe by her daughter……this could have been our family a few years ago. Many didn’t believe us…… we were told by our daughter that she was going to kill us and we found knives in her room……I know that she could have done it…. Families with children with RAD often live two lives one that everyone sees and one that is hidden….no one understands why these parents are so strict on precious little Sally or Johnny……wow their parents are mean….I could go on and on but the message here is that these kids can heal……but the younger they are the better their chances are at healing…..If I told you my child was diabetic you wouldn’t think I was unfair because I didn’t let them have any sugar but did their sibling…..yet we have to parent these kids different and we are unfair……we have many things that we are working on to raise awareness about this disorder…..we have things that we are doing to try to prevent it…..

This isn’t just for adopted children….any child that was sick a lot during their first year of life can develop RAD….parents that moved a lot in the military…..single mom that had many different people looking after their child……

Please become educated….help us save the life of a child…..help us save a family from being destroyed…….Please I will help you learn…..

please visit our new website…..if you look under child histories our oldest son Frankie is the 2nd one……

www.patches-ff.org

Pressing in………

I am so excited about going to church……the Lord has really been moving in our services. It’s always so refreshing to feel His anointing flowing in the service….So we were having a weekend revival and Thurs or Fri I told the kids that I couldn’t wait for church on Sat night. Our kids asked why and I said because God is moving  and our 6 yr old daughter said “God is moving? Where is He moving to” I said He’s moving in our church. So after church on Sunday our 8 year old said mom I thought God was moving in our church? I thought we would see Him……I said didn’t you feel Him…..

I learned a long time ago back in the stone age….ok not quite that far but I was a teenager. I was with my best friend and we saw someone that went to our church and they had missed that Sunday and we told him that we missed him and I said we had a really good service and my friend looked at me and said “We did?” So I learned that day that two people can be in the same service and feel different things. We have to press in if we want to receive something from the Lord. He’s not going to just knock us on the head. He probably should some of us. I know there have been times that I deserved a good clunk on the head.

So what is different about church now than it was just last month? I’ve changed…..that’s what is different. I don’t go to church just because I know I need to …..I go EXPECTING……wow what a difference that makes. We decided this year that we are going to grow closer to the Lord so we are pressing in. When we get to church we are ready to receive. We don’t have to pray and worship in order to have our mind on Him ….we are ready!

Now I understand that when you have kids that have RAD or other issues that some mornings by the time you make it to church you have already fought a battle or two or in our case sometimes three or four. I wish I had an answer for that but I can tell you  I survived it. Those days are a memory. Thank the Lord!

James 4:8 – Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you. Press in and He will be there….He will help you ………Don’t try to do it alone……

Blessings in the hard times…….

This year we made up our mind for this to be the year to draw closer to the Lord. We decided that we would have family devotions and prayer like we used to do. Somewhere down the road we stopped. Probably because there was so much drama from the kids. I am so proud of our kids as we start praying they start calling out names of people we have been praying for. We made a prayer chain (paper chain) each link has a name or family or a need that we need to pray for. We go through the prayer chain and call out each one and pray. Tomorrow we are going to make a praise chain as the prayers are answered they will be moved to the praise chain. We already have so much that we need on the praise chain from this past year.

We are so blessed even when we go through hard times. This past year was an extremely hard year. Probably around Oct. Nov. things started catching up with my husband missing so much work and no vacation time. One week when we weren’t quite sure how we were going to buy groceries we were blessed with a really big box……One week after making a deposit we had $150.00 to make it a week on gas and groceries for a family of 8 . I knew we could manage until I realized that I had another bill that had to be paid so that left us $50 not so good…….I had gotten a call to stop by someone’s house they said they had a turkey for us I cried all the way there but when we got there it wasn’t just a turkey but it was also food it was enough for us to get through the week…….so now Christmas is coming up ……I knew we had no money to buy Christmas presents but I did have a little bit of credit with Fingerhut and so I knew that I would just divide it between the 6 kids…it might not be what they want but they would have something…..LOL I’ll do this again…..one gift I got them was a waffle iron and we were going to wrap it after the little ones went to bed and Frankie saw it and he started yelling he was so excited and Jacob heard him so from then on those 2 begged us to let them open it early. So next year I will see what I want and get it for everyone. I can see how this can work in my favor…..lol

Anyway I got a message from someone and they said that they had heard that we had a rough year and I said yes we had and they said that every year they pick out a family to help for Christmas and wanted to help us. I told her that our kids would have something but any way they helped our family……we thought 1 or 2 gifts but no when they came over they kept unloading gifts and kept unloading gifts……The amazing thing was the things that they got them that they either wanted or I wanted to get them…..like for instance I had a Minnie Mouse hoodie and a shirt and a skirt in my shopping cart at littlemissmatch it was on sale and wasn’t much but I still couldn’t get it…….and they got her an outfit like it…….she wanted a Barbie head and they got her one…….Jacob told me he wanted an air hockey table and I told him maybe later but we couldn’t get it for Christmas but he got one……Oh my goodness I am crying thinking about it….there were other things that they wanted that they got…….Yes it’s a little embarrassing putting it out here that we were struggling BUT I want everyone to know that God is so good……and He has continued to meet our needs and will continue to do so as we go through this…….We plan on being back on the giving end this year it’s much easier…..but through it all our kids saw how God will meet our needs so as embarrassing as it might be for us I believe it was a good experience for our kids.

The things that happened to us last year could have destroyed our family because of the stress, but I give all the glory to God for helping us through. We are not to the end yet but we will get there and God will get all of the glory . It hurt our kids some regressed some I believe it helped them to realize just how much they did love us and let go just a little more of their heart. Our daughter told me one night “mom my heart feels funny when I think about you” and this same daughter just a few years earlier wanted to kill us and we found knives in her room and other places where she would hide them. So sometimes God allows us to go through things but gives us the strength to get through them. I praise God for our kids and especially because He has helped them to heal……….Image

Brotherly love………

Each day that I get up is a new day. I love starting new. No problems with the kids from yesterday. Everyone is happy and in a good mood…wait ….stop…wake up you’re dreaming again. Oh yes I do tend to dream. Since we adopted children with reactive attachment disorder (RAD) our days run together. Sometimes months run together without a break.

Our kids have been doing good but every now and then we just have one of those days. Yes today was one of those……We get up I made the mistake of going to the bathroom and the kids were in my bedroom and one decided to jump off the bed and his nose landed on his brother’s knee which resulted in enough blood that I was afraid that we were going to be taking a trip to the ER. Thankfully the bleeding stopped and he was fine.

Once I got everyone settled I told our 9 year old to sit down for a few minutes because he wasn’t sitting down like I told him to do and that was all it took for him to start screaming and saying that he was going to kill us and telling me to shut up. He started pounding his chest and telling Jesus to get out that he didn’t want Him in his heart. I messaged a couple of friends and we prayed and he stopped. I asked him what all of that was about and he said that he hurt his brother. I told him that yes if he had of been sitting where I told him to sit that it wouldn’t have happened, but that his brother shouldn’t have jumped off of the bed.

When you parent traumatized kids you never know from one second to the next if you are going to have an explosive situation on your hands. It takes a lot to remain calm when your child is telling you to shut up and saying many other things that your ears may have been protected from until you got your child. The Lord has been my strength many times. I give Him thanks for helping us through the hard times.

When the boys first came to live with us he was very protective of his younger brother. He was only 2 1/2 and his brother was 17 months. They were in another county before we got them and went to the Easter Seal’s school. They told me that he would stuff food in his pockets and when they would try to take it from him he would scream and say “no, Bubba”. When we would be feeding them a meal he would scream and scream until his bubba had his food and drink. Over the years that stopped and he wasn’t worried about anyone but himself. Now I sit here crying realizing that he didn’t protect him today, he thought he had hurt him. When he saw how bad his nose was bleeding it scared him and he thought it was all his fault. So as much as they fight EVERYDAY he really loves him…………