If that was my kid…… have you ever heard that or even better have you ever said it. I remember way back when if I saw a kid acting up or being disrespectful to their parents that I would say there is no way if that was my child they would act like that…….well…..
That was me. I was clueless……I was uneducated. Sure there are lots of kids that act that way because they aren’t made to mind, but then there are kids like mine that has childhood trauma that causes extreme behaviors.
Yesterday was one of those days that I was wishing for one of “those” people that thinks if they had a child for a week they would change them. Oh my goodness that made me laugh again.
The problem with that is a week wouldn’t be long enough. Most kids have that honeymoon period which can last for several weeks or longer. I don’t think our 14 year old would take that long but our 13 year old would. Also You have to consider that many of us parents that have traumatized kids (RAD more specifically) have grasped at straws on what to do so we are stricter than most people will be. Our kids would be in Heaven until they started destroying your home or your possessions or hurting your pets or kids. Then things would start changing.
At this point though Hey if you think you can change a child in a week I could really use a vacation. LOL I know you can’t change them that quick and I know you will think that I’m a horrible parent because “with you” they are so wonderful but hey a break would be worth it so just holler……lol I can pack their bags really fast…….
Our 13 and 14 year olds takes their bickering to a whole new level. If it didn’t cause major rages it would be comical. LOL OK so after all is calm again it is still funny.
Last Friday all of a sudden our 14 year old throws his chair and starts screaming and using lots of adjectives that he’s not allowed to use. I get him and he continues. I can’t get him to stop long enough to even know what happened. Our 13 year old was in the kitchen and he is the one that set him off.
our 14 year old was only wanting to stop him from saying a bad word….. Yes our 13 year old was saying a bad word…….. are you ready???
I don’t normally say bad words but I will this time. He was saying bonsai…..of course he said bbbbbbbbbonsai.
Did I say they take it to a whole new level? Sometimes it’s more trivial than that. Now our 13 year old does push his buttons many times. For some reason they seem to enjoy chaos.
I have tried the “get along shirt” I started out with the verse I John 4:20 If a man say, I love God and hateth his brother, he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen?
The problem with the get along shirt is that one likes it because he likes to be touched. So after they folded a blanket 10 times by working together it was over…….or was it….Nope because one of the boys liked it. I’ve tried many different things. If you have things that have worked please feel free to share.
1a:assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something
I’ve thought a lot about this over the last few months. Do you trust your kids? Do you trust anyone anymore?
Once that trust is broken it is very hard to get it back. If you ever can get it back. Even our children that have healed I’m always watching. Always checking up on them…..
Once that trust is broken I don’t think a person can ever get it back 100%…….. so how can we expect our children to completely trust us when that trust was broken time and time again……..
I think 1o years has gone by and surely our son knows that we are going to take care of him and surely he knows he will be fed. Yet he doesn’t have that trust.
I try to remember this as he struggles. I try to remember that his behaviors are out of fear. As I do remember this I believe it is the reason that I forgive him so quickly. I believe it is the reason that I am not ready to give up on him as hard as it may get.
There is someone that we can trust that will never let us down……….
We can put our trust in Jesus…… He will see us through……He will give us the strength that we need……
This is not a question that I ever thought I would be asked. It sure isn’t a question that has an easy understandable answer for a 10 year old that loved her only sister with all of her heart. When does the heartache stop? When do the tears stop flowing? Probably never……
In our eyes it is so hard for us to understand why our daughter was so obsessed with her bio family. So obsessed that she didn’t want us any more. More than my heart breaking it hurts more than anything having to hold our youngest daughter while she cries herself to sleep because she misses her sister so much.
Why does it have to be so hard? I thought adoption was supposed to be happy….. Don’t get me wrong there are many many happy moments but with any adoption there is heartbreak. Some more heartbreak than others.
Did God make her leave? No He didn’t. We were not His first plan for her. We were His alternate plan for her because her mom failed to take care of her the way she should have. It was His plan since the first plan didn’t work for us to have her. Satan lies, cheats, tricks us and whatever else he can do to cause us to make the wrong choices in life unlike God who loves us and allows us to make our own choices. God will not force us to make the right choice. The Holy Spirit is with us to encourage us but so many times we just don’t listen. So no sweetie she made her own choice to leave us because she wanted her bio family more.
I am thankful that she was our daughter even though my heart is breaking. We were able to give her a firm foundation in God’s word. We were able to train her up in the way of the Lord and one day she will return not only to the Lord but to us……..
Last year I wrote When Adoption Isn’t Forever, but now even though this is a similar title adoption doesn’t mean forever anymore to my other kids. So now what??? How do I tell them that they are mine forever when we had to disrupt an adoption.
It will be a year in April that we disrupted one of our adoptions. It wasn’t what we wanted but, we had no choice. One of our boys has settled down and is back to usually one bad day a week while our other son struggles daily again. He has other issues as well as RAD so it complicates things even more.
What is his trigger??? Anything!!!! Usually it’s very small things. Today he thought someone was eating something and immediately went into a rage. When I say rage I mean if I wrote what he said this would become a rated R blog for the language and violence. He could see that no one was eating but, he already had that thought in his head that someone was eating. So why didn’t I just get him something to eat…….well that’s another issue. I have a problem with a child DEMANDING that I feed him immediately. Maybe I’m wrong…..I keep praying and asking the Lord if I’m wrong please show me………
I have given into him when it was just a fit and it didn’t work. He just wanted me to give into him more. I’ve also tried feeding him something every 30 minutes. That didn’t work either…….I’ve thought well maybe he is hungry and needs more food so I have let him eat until he was full…..(one time at a pizza buffet he ate 22 pieces of pizza) as you can see that takes a lot of food. Then we find poop in the toy box or where ever he decides to poop. So we can’t do that.
I guess I said all of this to say……childhood trauma stinks!!! There is nothing we can say to him that will make him feel that adoption is forever. Nothing!!! So while my bruises heal and my sore body heals remember I am not alone. There are many other families going through the same thing that we are going through….. so be kind and offer support. Hint: support doesn’t mean advice unless you truly get it……….
Breathe in …….breathe out……..breathe in……..breathe out……..breathe in…………………………………………………….oh yeah breathe out……….
Do you ever have those days that you are just walking on egg shells around your kids? I know that was a crazy question. It seems like many times we are doing this very thing. We have been doing it a lot more lately. It seems like it is constant. Our 14 year old daughter has really been struggling the last few months and even more the last three weeks. Since her bio mom died things just keep coming out that she went through. Every where we go there is a memory. All of a sudden some of my perfume that used to not be a problem now triggers memories.
When does it stop? When do the memories stop? I know you have the same question and no answer either except we know that with time and with the help of the Lord they will get easier to handle and they won’t hurt so bad. A few weeks ago she decided to cut her hair again for the third time. We had all scissors put up but she had a great day so I let my guard down and let her get her own things to get ready to take her shower and she got a razor and shaved the back of her head. She began ripping her clothes completely off and cussing. Now this is a child that for two years did wonderful and had healed so much and it was so nice to say that she no longer did the things that she used to do. She loved God and instead of trying to hurt everyone she would try to take care of them. She had remorse and empathy. So now where did my daughter go that took 6 years to see love radiating from her eyes. Where did my daughter go that loved the Lord and would go around singing worship songs to Him. Where was she???????
Who is this child that now sings rated R songs and acts like a stripper? Who is this child that looks at me with hate? Who is this child that it’s been recommended for us to put her in rtc, but I said no because I know that it will only hurt her more?
I’ll tell you who she is………she is a child of the King!!!
So that brings me back to walking on egg shells…….today is the 6th day that she has not had a major raging fit. We are doing a lot of praying! Every little bit I’m having her to apply the blood of Jesus to cover her from head to toe and asking Jesus to help her to obey and asking Jesus fill her with peace so her fear will leave.
Has this been easy? Of course not! Every time she smarts off or does things that she knows that she isn’t supposed to do I want to go off on her which is why I am taking a lot of deep breaths. LOL Have I yelled at her? Of course but I quickly tell her to pray, and she is doing it. She is making it. She knows she will still get a consequence for her actions, but she is starting to keep it together again. I am still seeing anger and frustration in her but I am not seeing the pure hate. This was just another huge bump in the road. A really big one!!! I am believing that she is back on her way up!
Mother’s Day! Mother’s Day? Mother’s day …….. am I excited, am I happy or am I sad? Well that depends lol sometimes there are so many emotions that comes with Mother’s Day that it can be confusing. For 10 years I cried myself to sleep every night begging God for a child not understanding why He wouldn’t bless us with a bundle of joy. Now I know that there were many reasons for it. I’ve had some really good Mother’s Days and then some really bad ones. Today it’s kind of shaky and still a little early to know if we will make it through the day without a lot of unnecessary drama. You see I love all of my kids so very much and God blessed us with 6 beautiful kids, but they are hurting.
That hurt can come out in many different ways. I wish I could just take it all away. If only it was that easy. If I could just hold them and let them cry it out. I could do that but instead they are angry and oftentimes are violent and confused. Our daughter has healed enough that although she has regressed and is really struggling she is sorry for her actions. It doesn’t make it any easier though. I’m tired and hurting physically from our kids.
There are days that I want to quit but then I feel determination to keep going only to feel that way again during the next fit of rage. It’s a constant battle. My new favorite song is Break Every Chain by Tasha Cobbs …… our kids have chains on them of past abuse and those chains fall on our whole family at times. Those chains are going to be broken …….we are playing this song 24/7 in our home and vehicle. These chains are falling……..