If that was my kid…… have you ever heard that or even better have you ever said it. I remember way back when if I saw a kid acting up or being disrespectful to their parents that I would say there is no way if that was my child they would act like that…….well…..
That was me. I was clueless……I was uneducated. Sure there are lots of kids that act that way because they aren’t made to mind, but then there are kids like mine that has childhood trauma that causes extreme behaviors.
Yesterday was one of those days that I was wishing for one of “those” people that thinks if they had a child for a week they would change them. Oh my goodness that made me laugh again.
The problem with that is a week wouldn’t be long enough. Most kids have that honeymoon period which can last for several weeks or longer. I don’t think our 14 year old would take that long but our 13 year old would. Also You have to consider that many of us parents that have traumatized kids (RAD more specifically) have grasped at straws on what to do so we are stricter than most people will be. Our kids would be in Heaven until they started destroying your home or your possessions or hurting your pets or kids. Then things would start changing.
At this point though Hey if you think you can change a child in a week I could really use a vacation. LOL I know you can’t change them that quick and I know you will think that I’m a horrible parent because “with you” they are so wonderful but hey a break would be worth it so just holler……lol I can pack their bags really fast…….
UGH!!!!!! Is this what you got up thinking this morning? Dreading this day? If it didn’t already start last week or even earlier….sigh.
The beginning of all the holidays…….do you find yourself tensing up? First I will tell you that for us it has gotten so much better so never lose hope. I do believe that if you want them to do better that we have to sacrifice and maybe miss a few things. I know that isn’t fair to us, but hey if it will keep peace then I am all for it.
So missing a few things what does that mean to us as a parent? I am sure that you can add a lot of things, but the hardest things isn’t missing the fun. It isn’t missing the parties or the dinners or what ever else you may do during the holidays but it’s what we have to endure from other people……it may be a well meaning parent or sibling or a friend that you thought you would be close to forever or worse yet it may be a spouse. So many just don’t get it. They see your child as being so sweet, cute, considerate……well anything that other people want to see our kids give them a performance of a life time. So yep we are the bad guys.
I want to encourage you today to know that you are not a mean parent because you don’t let your child have all of the candy that they want tonight and you are not a mean parent if you let the “other” kids go have fun tonight and not your child that has RAD or other behaviors.
Parenting our children isn’t about being fair ……. it is giving what each of our kids need so that they can heal and grow up and be a productive member of society.
Also know that you are not a lone…….we are here and many others to support you………
As I sit here listening to my 9 year old son yell about how mean I am and how he isn’t going to do what I say and he doesn’t care and on and on. I was reading on my facebook about a mom going without sleep because her daughter has ran away and is missing.
So many times we have been judged and told that if we don’t love our children then let someone else raise them. Does a parent that don’t love their child go days without sleeping because they DON’T love their child ….. of course not ….. does a parent continue to be verbally and physically abused by their child because they DON’T love them……..of course not.
Parenting is not about being fair. It is about giving what each of your children need to help them to be successful. If I allow a couple of our kids internet access then it is going to do more harm but I have a child that is allowed to have access yet I have been judged harshly for not allowing the others to have phones or to be on the computer.
Our children can pour on the charm and appear to be the best kids ever but as their parents many times we see a complete different child. So please before you judge so harshly when you see parents that seem to treat one child different than the others take a minute and ask how they are at home. It doesn’t have to just be kids that have reactive attachment disorder it can be Autism or any other special needs.
Help us help our children to succeed. When you side with them before you know the whole story you are empowering our children and it keeps them from healing.
As I am sitting here trying to think of something really inspiring to say….hahahaha ok those that know me can stop laughing now. My heart is full and is at peace knowing that this too shall pass. As we go through our daily struggles sometimes it is really easy to lose our focus on things around us. Years ago when we were youth leaders in a church I took a white poster board and took a black marker and put a small black dot on it. I then asked what they saw on the poster board and no one saw the all of the white on it they only saw the black. I realize that when dealing with our children’s behavior’s that on a good day that black mark is much bigger than a little dot, but is that all we see? Can we not open our eyes just a little bit wider and see even a little bit of white? Maybe you can’t find that white in your child that has RAD on some days but what about other things in your life? Can you look really hard and find a little white that can help you keep going just one more day?
I just thought of this and I am going to do it. I am going to start writing down on a small strip of paper every time the kids does something good and then when it is just a really bad day or bad moment draw a slip of paper out and read it……. I think it will remind me of the good times and that there is hope. I am thankful that we have many more good times than bad times now.
Can you say WOW!!! There is a lot in the news right now about rehoming your adopted children. Although the two stories that I saw were very disturbing I feel that these are the exception. At least I pray they are………
At the same time parents are forced into a corner and sometimes have no where to turn to for help. Many don’t realize that in some states you can’t get help for your child unless you relinquish your parental rights……don’t want to do that and face abandonment charges? Well here’s the other option that parents are told…… if your child hurts one of your other children then the state can remove all of your children for failure to protect……..
About 4 years ago our daughter was 9 years old and was very violent. She wanted to kill us and we would find knives in her room that she intended on using on us. I couldn’t let her get more than a foot away from me because she would try to hurt the other kids. I was always able to keep our family safe until she started running away. Once she started going out her window then we no longer had that assurance that we were all safe including her….. She told me in great detail how she was going to kill me and we called her therapist and put her in a residential treatment center that night. We are blessed that we live in a state that we can get our children help a little easier….. the problem we have is that a treatment center only makes our kids worse if they don’t fully understand what RAD is…….
I know that there are families that are forced to make the heart wrenching decision to find a new home for their children. If you are faced with this decision make sure you are doing everything the right way. Hire an attorney. I understand that you are desperate but don’t let desperation cause you to make decisions that is going to put your child in danger. You love your child or you would have already given up. Take the time to make sure they are in a safe family……..
I wake up and my stomach is a little queasy because I know that I am going to get on the roller coaster………as I am standing in line in front of it I see it…….. I feel it shaking the ground……I hear it…it’s so loud……I hear screaming….my stomach is in knots……my knees are starting to feel a little weak……at first it is a smooth ride then I see it slowing climbing that hill ….oh goodness then in an instant it is a straight drop off….it’s going fast now…..oh phew …oh wait I didn’t see that sharp curve…or that loop…..oh my another loop ….uh…..I… I…. I think I am going to change my mind and I’m not getting on this one……..sigh I can’t not get on…….it is my life……sometimes each day I get on it first thing in the morning and other times I don’t have to get on it until night….other times I stay on it all day long………thankfully sometimes I don’t have to get on it any more (although I have been on it today LOL).
When we adopted we knew that we were adopting children that had been hurt, but we were clueless about reactive attachment disorder (RAD). LOL and so were the case workers, and CASA , and even the therapist…..every one said lots of love and time…..yes time to drive me nuts LOL. So many people think that there is tons of support for adoptive families, but there isn’t. You are on your own unless you are blessed to have workers that understand RAD and that is very rare. Once we had kids with RAD it took me two years to stumble upon a forum that had a support group for RAD and it was the mom’s there that taught me what to do and where to go for resources.
Our children have healed a lot and I don’t miss the roller coasters that I used to get on every day….some were just small ones while others where the really big ones and the person that stops it went on a very long break……for all of you parents that still get on the roller coaster more often than you would like….hang in there….it does eventually come to a stop.