Mother’s Day! Mother’s Day? Mother’s day …….. am I excited, am I happy or am I sad? Well that depends lol sometimes there are so many emotions that comes with Mother’s Day that it can be confusing. For 10 years I cried myself to sleep every night begging God for a child not understanding why He wouldn’t bless us with a bundle of joy. Now I know that there were many reasons for it. I’ve had some really good Mother’s Days and then some really bad ones. Today it’s kind of shaky and still a little early to know if we will make it through the day without a lot of unnecessary drama. You see I love all of my kids so very much and God blessed us with 6 beautiful kids, but they are hurting.
That hurt can come out in many different ways. I wish I could just take it all away. If only it was that easy. If I could just hold them and let them cry it out. I could do that but instead they are angry and oftentimes are violent and confused. Our daughter has healed enough that although she has regressed and is really struggling she is sorry for her actions. It doesn’t make it any easier though. I’m tired and hurting physically from our kids.
There are days that I want to quit but then I feel determination to keep going only to feel that way again during the next fit of rage. It’s a constant battle. My new favorite song is Break Every Chain by Tasha Cobbs …… our kids have chains on them of past abuse and those chains fall on our whole family at times. Those chains are going to be broken …….we are playing this song 24/7 in our home and vehicle. These chains are falling……..
I know this is a little late coming but I am a mom of 6 so what can I say……lol a few years ago when Mother’s Day came around I dreaded it so bad…..I love my mom but I had to make myself go through the motions of that day……I know I sound like I am whining but for the first 10 years that we were married it was hard because we didn’t have kids and it was really hard to get through the day and as the years progressed it was harder and harder……one year we went to church with my mom and we were greeted at the door and a lady was handing out a bookmark to the mom’s and she handed me one and then snatched it back and said oh you aren’t a mom……I had already started the morning off crying because I wasn’t a mom and this brought fresh tears….goodness suck them up and paste on that smile…….when they recognized the mom’s I was the only lady not standing including a young teenage mom……that afternoon we all went to my mom’s after church and our lunch ended with my sister (sorry if you are reading this lol) telling all of the men they need to clean up because it’s Mother’s Day and then said you aren’t a mom so you have to help…..I lost it…..it was probably the first time that I expressed to my family how I felt. She would have never said that if she knew it was going to hurt me. I said that day that I would never step foot back in church on Mother’s Day. The following year I did but we were working in children’s church so I was able to hide from the mother’s being recognized. At the end of that service our pastor hunted me down all the way at the other end of the church and got down on one knee and said I present you this rose….we have prayed over it and you will have a child…….the next year I did become a mom but it was the next year that I had my first Mother’s Day that I was looking forward to only to have my son throwing up all over me and he spent the rest of the day throwing up…..lol So I did spend the next several years enjoying that special day but where did it go…why did I all of a sudden wish Mother’s Day meant a day that since I was a Mother I could do what I wanted and that was to just stay home and ignore all of the hoopla…..let’s see could it be because every holiday my kids go bonkers?? It was just to much work and to much aftermath……something about our kids that have reactive attachment disorder (RAD) that any special event just stimulates them to much and they sabotage it. I realize now that especially in our oldest daughter (13 now) I am sure she felt torn between showing me honor and her birth mom. I wish I knew then what I know now I think we could have talked some things out. Maybe it would have helped. I spent the first 10 years crying because I wasn’t a mother and then had a few wonderful years and then went back to crying and dreading it…..told you I sounded like I was whining….for at least 5 years I spent Mother’s day having to restrain kids and being cussed out and hit and spit on and so on and one year my daughter was in a rtc, but we got through those years and this year with the exception of not being able to see my mom I had a wonderful day…….the kids have healed a lot and and was so good to me…..it was a very nice so now maybe from here on out I can once again look forward to Mothers Day and not dread it………..