Tag Archive | child abuse

sharing: Love Isn’t Enough!

In my opinion it’s really sad that someone that has known you for years or in some cases all of your life will believe a child over us but it happens…….

 

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If that was my kid………

If that was my kid…… have you ever heard that or even better have you ever said it. I remember way back when if I saw a kid acting up or being disrespectful to their parents that I would say there is no way if that was my child they would act like that…….well…..

That was me. I was clueless……I was uneducated. Sure there are lots of kids that act that way because they aren’t made to mind, but then there are kids like mine that has childhood trauma that causes extreme behaviors.

Yesterday was one of those days that I was wishing for one of “those” people that thinks if they had a child for a week they would change them. Oh my goodness that made me laugh again.

The problem with that is a week wouldn’t be long enough. Most kids have that honeymoon period which can last for several weeks or longer. I don’t think our 14 year old would take that long but our 13 year old would. Also You have to consider that many of us parents that have traumatized kids (RAD more specifically) have grasped at straws on what to do so we are stricter than most people will be. Our kids would be in Heaven until they started destroying your home or your possessions or hurting your pets or kids. Then things would start changing.

At this point though Hey if you think you can change a child in a week I could really use a vacation. LOL I know you can’t change them that quick and I know you will think that I’m a horrible parent because “with you” they are so wonderful but hey a break would be worth it so just holler……lol I can pack their bags really fast…….

Patti

 

Sibling Bickering

Our 13 and 14 year olds takes their bickering to a whole new level. If it didn’t cause major rages it would be comical. LOL OK so after all is calm again it is still funny.

Last Friday all of a sudden our 14 year old throws his chair and starts screaming and using lots of adjectives that he’s not allowed to use. I get him and he continues. I can’t get him to stop long enough to even know what happened. Our 13 year old was in the kitchen and he is the one that set him off.

our 14 year old was only wanting to stop him from saying a bad word….. Yes our 13 year old was saying a bad word…….. are you ready???

I don’t normally say bad words but I will this time. He was saying bonsai…..of course he said bbbbbbbbbonsai.

Did I say they take it to a whole new level? Sometimes it’s more trivial than that. Now our 13 year old does push his buttons many times. For some reason they seem to enjoy chaos.

I have tried the “get along shirt” I started out with the verse I John 4:20 If a man say, I love God and hateth his brother, he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen?

The problem with the get along shirt is that one likes it because he likes to be touched. So after they folded a blanket 10 times by working together it was over…….or was it….Nope because one of the boys liked it. I’ve tried many different things. If you have things that have worked please feel free to share.

 

Trust

Definition of trust

  1. 1a :  assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something

I’ve thought a lot about this over the last few months. Do you trust your kids? Do you trust anyone anymore?

Once that trust is broken it is very hard to get it back. If you ever can get it back. Even our children that have healed I’m always watching. Always checking up on them…..

Once that trust is broken I don’t think a person can ever get it back 100%…….. so how can we expect our children to completely trust us when that trust was broken time and time again……..

I think 1o years has gone by and surely our son knows that we are going to take care of him and surely he knows he will be fed. Yet he doesn’t have that trust.

I try to remember this as he struggles. I try to remember that his behaviors are out of fear. As I do remember this I believe it is the reason that I forgive him so quickly. I believe it is the reason that I am not ready to give up on him as hard as it may get.

There is someone that we can trust that will never let us down……….trust-jesus

We can put our trust in Jesus…… He will see us through……He will give us the strength that we need……

Did God make her leave?

Mom did God make her leave?

No sweetie He didn’t make her leave.

Then why did she leave?

This is not a question that I ever thought I would be asked. It sure isn’t a question that has an easy understandable answer for a 10 year old that loved her only sister with all of her heart. When does the heartache stop? When do the tears stop flowing?  Probably never……

In our eyes it is so hard for us to understand why our daughter was so obsessed with her bio family. So obsessed that she didn’t want us any more. More than my heart breaking it hurts more than anything having to hold our youngest daughter while she cries herself to sleep because she misses her sister so much.

Why does it have to be so hard? I thought adoption was supposed to be happy….. Don’t get me wrong there are many many happy moments but with any adoption there is heartbreak. Some more heartbreak than others.

Did God make her leave? No He didn’t. We were not His first plan for her. We were His alternate plan for her because her mom failed to take care of her the way she should have. It was His plan since the first plan didn’t work for us to have her. Satan lies, cheats, tricks us and whatever else he can do to cause us to make the wrong choices in life unlike God who loves us and allows us to make our own choices. God will not force us to make the right choice. The Holy Spirit is with us to encourage us but so many times we just don’t listen. So no sweetie she made her own choice to leave us because she wanted her bio family more.

I am thankful that she was our daughter even though my heart is breaking. We were able to give her a firm foundation in God’s word. We were able to train her up in the way of the Lord and one day she will return not only to the Lord but to us……..

 

Patti

 

When Adoption Isn’t Forever Anymore

Last year I wrote When Adoption Isn’t Forever, but now even though this is a similar title adoption doesn’t mean forever anymore to my other kids. So now what??? How do I tell them that they are mine forever when we had to disrupt an adoption.

It will be a year in April that we disrupted one of our adoptions. It wasn’t what we wanted but, we had no choice. One of our boys has settled down and is back to usually one bad day a week while our other son struggles daily again. He has other issues as well as RAD so it complicates things even more.

What is his trigger??? Anything!!!! Usually it’s very small things. Today he thought someone was eating something and immediately went into a rage. When I say rage I mean if I wrote what he said this would become a rated R blog for the language and violence. He could see that no one was eating but, he already had that thought in his head that someone was eating. So why didn’t I just get him something to eat…….well that’s another issue. I have a problem with a child DEMANDING that I feed him immediately. Maybe I’m wrong…..I keep praying and asking the Lord if I’m wrong please show me………

I have given into him when it was just a fit and it didn’t work. He just wanted me to give into him more. I’ve also tried feeding him something every 30 minutes. That didn’t work either…….I’ve thought well maybe he is hungry and needs more food so I have let him eat until he was full…..(one time at a pizza buffet he ate 22 pieces of pizza) as you can see that takes a lot of food. Then we find poop in the toy box or where ever he decides to poop. So we can’t do that.

I guess I said all of this to say……childhood trauma stinks!!! There is nothing we can say to him that will make him feel that adoption is forever. Nothing!!! So while my bruises heal and my sore body heals remember I am not alone. There are many other families going through the same thing that we are going through….. so be kind and offer support. Hint: support doesn’t mean advice unless you truly get it……….

Patti

 

 

 

 

 

Another roller coaster ride ……..

I wrote before about how we are on a roller coaster full of twists and turns.  We have just gotten on another one. This one had some pretty big loops. Our 14 yr old daughter’s adopted mother died last week. This of course wouldn’t be good any time, but just coming out of the holidays I was really concerned. I saw it on her sister’s facebook Monday  a week ago and waited until I could talk to her sisters before I told her. I talked to them that night so the next day I knew what I had to do. I spent a lot of time crying and praying.

Wouldn’t you know it we get up Tuesday morning and it was the first really good day that she had had since the holidays began. So I really didn’t want to tell her. I waited until that afternoon and I took her to the bedroom with me and had her to sit by me on the bed and as I started to tell her I broke down and was crying. I didn’t want to hurt her. She’s been hurt enough and I also knew that this was a really big fear that she had that her mom would die and she would never see her again. I was also concerned that me and her mom are the same age and with her having reactive attachment disorder I don’t want her to be afraid that she is going to lose me.

I told her just a minute while I was trying to stop crying so I could tell her and she said “It’s ok if my mom died”. I had a few things that I had put up for her for when she was older. She had a baby doll that her mom wrote on it’s back I love you Sarah, Love mom. and I had a few pictures.

Our footsteps are ordered by God and sometimes we find out why certain things happen and sometimes we don’t, but at Christmas we were given a fish aquarium and the lady asked me if we would like some scrapbooking things and I said yes they will love it. Oh my goodness it was a bunch of stuff…so nice. Things I would have never spent money on. Now I know why she gave them to us. We are going to make a scrapbook for Sarah. Her sister has sent me more pictures and they are going to get more.

Sarah is doing great. I gave her the choice whether or not she wanted to see her mom to say good bye. She said that she wanted to but also wanted to see her bio sisters. So I told her sister that we wanted a private viewing with just them. Did I say God orders our steps? Sarah told me yesterday that she was afraid that it would be to much for her to see her mom and was afraid it would bring back bad memories and cause her to act out again. So I told her to make sure because she couldn’t go back and change her mind. Last night her sister called me and told me that because of  the delay in making funeral arrangements that they would have to have a closed casket. Thank you Jesus that you laid it on Sarah’s heart before we had to make the decision for her. God is so good. We decided last night that we would give them this week to rest and regroup since the funeral is Friday and that next week her two sisters and her two brothers are going to come to church with us and we will go out to eat afterwards and then go to a park that we dearly love. That way they have plenty of time…….I pray that Sarah is able to handle all of this because we have tried several different times to let her have contact with one of her sisters that lived with us for a little while when she was in foster care and it always caused Sarah to act out. So we would have to stop contact and the last time we told her that was her last time until she was 18. We told her that if this doesn’t cause her to act out then she can keep in contact with them. She is really trying hard which was why she made the decision to not see her mom.

I wish that was the only loop on this roller coaster but it wasn’t. I posted on her sister’s facebook that we were praying for them and there were several people asking about Sarah so I posted a picture of her so they could see her. We are now in contact with her bio dad that she has never met and she has two more sisters. Now this is wild. She went to school with our kids and was in our son’s class 3 different years and Sarah knows her. I pray that this is the beginning of Sarah being able to have contact with her family. I will be sure to post about how the reunion goes.

PattiImage