Mom did God make her leave?
No sweetie He didn’t make her leave.
Then why did she leave?
This is not a question that I ever thought I would be asked. It sure isn’t a question that has an easy understandable answer for a 10 year old that loved her only sister with all of her heart. When does the heartache stop? When do the tears stop flowing? Probably never……
In our eyes it is so hard for us to understand why our daughter was so obsessed with her bio family. So obsessed that she didn’t want us any more. More than my heart breaking it hurts more than anything having to hold our youngest daughter while she cries herself to sleep because she misses her sister so much.
Why does it have to be so hard? I thought adoption was supposed to be happy….. Don’t get me wrong there are many many happy moments but with any adoption there is heartbreak. Some more heartbreak than others.
Did God make her leave? No He didn’t. We were not His first plan for her. We were His alternate plan for her because her mom failed to take care of her the way she should have. It was His plan since the first plan didn’t work for us to have her. Satan lies, cheats, tricks us and whatever else he can do to cause us to make the wrong choices in life unlike God who loves us and allows us to make our own choices. God will not force us to make the right choice. The Holy Spirit is with us to encourage us but so many times we just don’t listen. So no sweetie she made her own choice to leave us because she wanted her bio family more.
I am thankful that she was our daughter even though my heart is breaking. We were able to give her a firm foundation in God’s word. We were able to train her up in the way of the Lord and one day she will return not only to the Lord but to us……..
Last year I wrote When Adoption Isn’t Forever, but now even though this is a similar title adoption doesn’t mean forever anymore to my other kids. So now what??? How do I tell them that they are mine forever when we had to disrupt an adoption.
It will be a year in April that we disrupted one of our adoptions. It wasn’t what we wanted but, we had no choice. One of our boys has settled down and is back to usually one bad day a week while our other son struggles daily again. He has other issues as well as RAD so it complicates things even more.
What is his trigger??? Anything!!!! Usually it’s very small things. Today he thought someone was eating something and immediately went into a rage. When I say rage I mean if I wrote what he said this would become a rated R blog for the language and violence. He could see that no one was eating but, he already had that thought in his head that someone was eating. So why didn’t I just get him something to eat…….well that’s another issue. I have a problem with a child DEMANDING that I feed him immediately. Maybe I’m wrong…..I keep praying and asking the Lord if I’m wrong please show me………
I have given into him when it was just a fit and it didn’t work. He just wanted me to give into him more. I’ve also tried feeding him something every 30 minutes. That didn’t work either…….I’ve thought well maybe he is hungry and needs more food so I have let him eat until he was full…..(one time at a pizza buffet he ate 22 pieces of pizza) as you can see that takes a lot of food. Then we find poop in the toy box or where ever he decides to poop. So we can’t do that.
I guess I said all of this to say……childhood trauma stinks!!! There is nothing we can say to him that will make him feel that adoption is forever. Nothing!!! So while my bruises heal and my sore body heals remember I am not alone. There are many other families going through the same thing that we are going through….. so be kind and offer support. Hint: support doesn’t mean advice unless you truly get it……….
I wrote before about how we are on a roller coaster full of twists and turns. We have just gotten on another one. This one had some pretty big loops. Our 14 yr old daughter’s adopted mother died last week. This of course wouldn’t be good any time, but just coming out of the holidays I was really concerned. I saw it on her sister’s facebook Monday a week ago and waited until I could talk to her sisters before I told her. I talked to them that night so the next day I knew what I had to do. I spent a lot of time crying and praying.
Wouldn’t you know it we get up Tuesday morning and it was the first really good day that she had had since the holidays began. So I really didn’t want to tell her. I waited until that afternoon and I took her to the bedroom with me and had her to sit by me on the bed and as I started to tell her I broke down and was crying. I didn’t want to hurt her. She’s been hurt enough and I also knew that this was a really big fear that she had that her mom would die and she would never see her again. I was also concerned that me and her mom are the same age and with her having reactive attachment disorder I don’t want her to be afraid that she is going to lose me.
I told her just a minute while I was trying to stop crying so I could tell her and she said “It’s ok if my mom died”. I had a few things that I had put up for her for when she was older. She had a baby doll that her mom wrote on it’s back I love you Sarah, Love mom. and I had a few pictures.
Our footsteps are ordered by God and sometimes we find out why certain things happen and sometimes we don’t, but at Christmas we were given a fish aquarium and the lady asked me if we would like some scrapbooking things and I said yes they will love it. Oh my goodness it was a bunch of stuff…so nice. Things I would have never spent money on. Now I know why she gave them to us. We are going to make a scrapbook for Sarah. Her sister has sent me more pictures and they are going to get more.
Sarah is doing great. I gave her the choice whether or not she wanted to see her mom to say good bye. She said that she wanted to but also wanted to see her bio sisters. So I told her sister that we wanted a private viewing with just them. Did I say God orders our steps? Sarah told me yesterday that she was afraid that it would be to much for her to see her mom and was afraid it would bring back bad memories and cause her to act out again. So I told her to make sure because she couldn’t go back and change her mind. Last night her sister called me and told me that because of the delay in making funeral arrangements that they would have to have a closed casket. Thank you Jesus that you laid it on Sarah’s heart before we had to make the decision for her. God is so good. We decided last night that we would give them this week to rest and regroup since the funeral is Friday and that next week her two sisters and her two brothers are going to come to church with us and we will go out to eat afterwards and then go to a park that we dearly love. That way they have plenty of time…….I pray that Sarah is able to handle all of this because we have tried several different times to let her have contact with one of her sisters that lived with us for a little while when she was in foster care and it always caused Sarah to act out. So we would have to stop contact and the last time we told her that was her last time until she was 18. We told her that if this doesn’t cause her to act out then she can keep in contact with them. She is really trying hard which was why she made the decision to not see her mom.
I wish that was the only loop on this roller coaster but it wasn’t. I posted on her sister’s facebook that we were praying for them and there were several people asking about Sarah so I posted a picture of her so they could see her. We are now in contact with her bio dad that she has never met and she has two more sisters. Now this is wild. She went to school with our kids and was in our son’s class 3 different years and Sarah knows her. I pray that this is the beginning of Sarah being able to have contact with her family. I will be sure to post about how the reunion goes.
UGH!!!!!! Is this what you got up thinking this morning? Dreading this day? If it didn’t already start last week or even earlier….sigh.
The beginning of all the holidays…….do you find yourself tensing up? First I will tell you that for us it has gotten so much better so never lose hope. I do believe that if you want them to do better that we have to sacrifice and maybe miss a few things. I know that isn’t fair to us, but hey if it will keep peace then I am all for it.
So missing a few things what does that mean to us as a parent? I am sure that you can add a lot of things, but the hardest things isn’t missing the fun. It isn’t missing the parties or the dinners or what ever else you may do during the holidays but it’s what we have to endure from other people……it may be a well meaning parent or sibling or a friend that you thought you would be close to forever or worse yet it may be a spouse. So many just don’t get it. They see your child as being so sweet, cute, considerate……well anything that other people want to see our kids give them a performance of a life time. So yep we are the bad guys.
I want to encourage you today to know that you are not a mean parent because you don’t let your child have all of the candy that they want tonight and you are not a mean parent if you let the “other” kids go have fun tonight and not your child that has RAD or other behaviors.
Parenting our children isn’t about being fair ……. it is giving what each of our kids need so that they can heal and grow up and be a productive member of society.
Also know that you are not a lone…….we are here and many others to support you………
As I sit here listening to my 9 year old son yell about how mean I am and how he isn’t going to do what I say and he doesn’t care and on and on. I was reading on my facebook about a mom going without sleep because her daughter has ran away and is missing.
So many times we have been judged and told that if we don’t love our children then let someone else raise them. Does a parent that don’t love their child go days without sleeping because they DON’T love their child ….. of course not ….. does a parent continue to be verbally and physically abused by their child because they DON’T love them……..of course not.
Parenting is not about being fair. It is about giving what each of your children need to help them to be successful. If I allow a couple of our kids internet access then it is going to do more harm but I have a child that is allowed to have access yet I have been judged harshly for not allowing the others to have phones or to be on the computer.
Our children can pour on the charm and appear to be the best kids ever but as their parents many times we see a complete different child. So please before you judge so harshly when you see parents that seem to treat one child different than the others take a minute and ask how they are at home. It doesn’t have to just be kids that have reactive attachment disorder it can be Autism or any other special needs.
Help us help our children to succeed. When you side with them before you know the whole story you are empowering our children and it keeps them from healing.
As I am sitting here trying to think of something really inspiring to say….hahahaha ok those that know me can stop laughing now. My heart is full and is at peace knowing that this too shall pass. As we go through our daily struggles sometimes it is really easy to lose our focus on things around us. Years ago when we were youth leaders in a church I took a white poster board and took a black marker and put a small black dot on it. I then asked what they saw on the poster board and no one saw the all of the white on it they only saw the black. I realize that when dealing with our children’s behavior’s that on a good day that black mark is much bigger than a little dot, but is that all we see? Can we not open our eyes just a little bit wider and see even a little bit of white? Maybe you can’t find that white in your child that has RAD on some days but what about other things in your life? Can you look really hard and find a little white that can help you keep going just one more day?
I just thought of this and I am going to do it. I am going to start writing down on a small strip of paper every time the kids does something good and then when it is just a really bad day or bad moment draw a slip of paper out and read it……. I think it will remind me of the good times and that there is hope. I am thankful that we have many more good times than bad times now.