Tag Archive | attachment

Trust

Definition of trust

  1. 1a :  assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something

I’ve thought a lot about this over the last few months. Do you trust your kids? Do you trust anyone anymore?

Once that trust is broken it is very hard to get it back. If you ever can get it back. Even our children that have healed I’m always watching. Always checking up on them…..

Once that trust is broken I don’t think a person can ever get it back 100%…….. so how can we expect our children to completely trust us when that trust was broken time and time again……..

I think 1o years has gone by and surely our son knows that we are going to take care of him and surely he knows he will be fed. Yet he doesn’t have that trust.

I try to remember this as he struggles. I try to remember that his behaviors are out of fear. As I do remember this I believe it is the reason that I forgive him so quickly. I believe it is the reason that I am not ready to give up on him as hard as it may get.

There is someone that we can trust that will never let us down……….trust-jesus

We can put our trust in Jesus…… He will see us through……He will give us the strength that we need……

Did God make her leave?

Mom did God make her leave?

No sweetie He didn’t make her leave.

Then why did she leave?

This is not a question that I ever thought I would be asked. It sure isn’t a question that has an easy understandable answer for a 10 year old that loved her only sister with all of her heart. When does the heartache stop? When do the tears stop flowing?  Probably never……

In our eyes it is so hard for us to understand why our daughter was so obsessed with her bio family. So obsessed that she didn’t want us any more. More than my heart breaking it hurts more than anything having to hold our youngest daughter while she cries herself to sleep because she misses her sister so much.

Why does it have to be so hard? I thought adoption was supposed to be happy….. Don’t get me wrong there are many many happy moments but with any adoption there is heartbreak. Some more heartbreak than others.

Did God make her leave? No He didn’t. We were not His first plan for her. We were His alternate plan for her because her mom failed to take care of her the way she should have. It was His plan since the first plan didn’t work for us to have her. Satan lies, cheats, tricks us and whatever else he can do to cause us to make the wrong choices in life unlike God who loves us and allows us to make our own choices. God will not force us to make the right choice. The Holy Spirit is with us to encourage us but so many times we just don’t listen. So no sweetie she made her own choice to leave us because she wanted her bio family more.

I am thankful that she was our daughter even though my heart is breaking. We were able to give her a firm foundation in God’s word. We were able to train her up in the way of the Lord and one day she will return not only to the Lord but to us……..

 

Patti

 

When Adoption Isn’t Forever Anymore

Last year I wrote When Adoption Isn’t Forever, but now even though this is a similar title adoption doesn’t mean forever anymore to my other kids. So now what??? How do I tell them that they are mine forever when we had to disrupt an adoption.

It will be a year in April that we disrupted one of our adoptions. It wasn’t what we wanted but, we had no choice. One of our boys has settled down and is back to usually one bad day a week while our other son struggles daily again. He has other issues as well as RAD so it complicates things even more.

What is his trigger??? Anything!!!! Usually it’s very small things. Today he thought someone was eating something and immediately went into a rage. When I say rage I mean if I wrote what he said this would become a rated R blog for the language and violence. He could see that no one was eating but, he already had that thought in his head that someone was eating. So why didn’t I just get him something to eat…….well that’s another issue. I have a problem with a child DEMANDING that I feed him immediately. Maybe I’m wrong…..I keep praying and asking the Lord if I’m wrong please show me………

I have given into him when it was just a fit and it didn’t work. He just wanted me to give into him more. I’ve also tried feeding him something every 30 minutes. That didn’t work either…….I’ve thought well maybe he is hungry and needs more food so I have let him eat until he was full…..(one time at a pizza buffet he ate 22 pieces of pizza) as you can see that takes a lot of food. Then we find poop in the toy box or where ever he decides to poop. So we can’t do that.

I guess I said all of this to say……childhood trauma stinks!!! There is nothing we can say to him that will make him feel that adoption is forever. Nothing!!! So while my bruises heal and my sore body heals remember I am not alone. There are many other families going through the same thing that we are going through….. so be kind and offer support. Hint: support doesn’t mean advice unless you truly get it……….

Patti

 

 

 

 

 

Walking on egg shells

Breathe in …….breathe out……..breathe in……..breathe out……..breathe in…………………………………………………….oh yeah breathe out……….

Do you ever have those days that you are just walking on egg shells around your kids? I know that was a crazy question. It seems like many times we are doing this very thing. We have been doing it a lot more lately. It seems like it is constant. Our 14 year old daughter has really been struggling the last few months and even more the last three weeks. Since her bio mom died things just keep coming out that she went through. Every where we go there is a memory. All of a sudden some of my perfume that used to not be a problem now triggers memories.

When does it stop? When do the memories stop? I know you have the same question and no answer either except we know that with time and with the help of the Lord they will get easier to handle and they won’t hurt so bad.  A few weeks ago she decided to cut her hair again for the third time. We had all scissors put up but she had a great day so I let my guard down and let her get her own things to get ready to take her shower and she got a razor and shaved the back of her head. She began ripping her clothes completely off and cussing. Now this is a child that for two years did wonderful and had healed so much and it was so nice to say that she no longer did the things that she used to do. She loved God and instead of trying to hurt everyone she would try to take care of them. She had remorse and empathy.  So now where did my daughter go that took 6 years to see love radiating from her eyes. Where did my daughter go that loved the Lord and would go around singing worship songs to Him. Where was she???????

Who is this child that now sings rated R songs and acts like a stripper? Who is this child that looks at me with hate? Who is this child that it’s been recommended for us to put her in rtc, but I said no because I know that it will only hurt her more?

I’ll tell you who she is………she is a child of the King!!!

So that brings me back to walking on egg shells…….today is the 6th day that she has not had a major raging fit. We are doing a lot of praying! Every little bit I’m having her to apply the blood of Jesus to cover her from head to toe and asking Jesus to help her to obey and asking Jesus fill her with peace so her fear will leave.

Has this been easy? Of course not! Every time she smarts off or does things that she knows that she isn’t supposed to do I want to go off on her which is why I am taking a lot of deep breaths. LOL Have I yelled at her? Of course but I quickly tell her to pray, and she is doing it. She is making it. She knows she will still get a consequence for her actions, but she is starting to keep it together again. I am still seeing anger and frustration in her but I am not seeing the pure hate. This was just another huge bump in the road. A really big one!!! I am believing that she is back on her way up!

Patti

 

There is no place for fear (or shouldn’t be)

As time progresses and your kids have healed and you start getting a little more comfortable not worrying about certain things, like being investigated. So many foster/adopt families have gone through at least one. It is scary and when you live with children that have reactive attachment disorder those chances increase. I know families that have lost their kids or been arrested and some have lost their jobs.

Our last investigation was 3 years ago. Our 6 year old came home from school with a black eye but it was so faint that when I tried to take a picture of it you couldn’t see it. I didn’t say anything because his fits of rage were so bad and it wasn’t his first and I knew it probably wasn’t his last one and we could never get a straight answer from him about anything.  Little did I know that the next day we would be under investigation. Of course they got a straight answer (right). The school said that he told them that his dad hit him. The investigator told us what was reported was a blackeye and the child said his dad hit him and he was covered in scratches and bruises and had a hand print on his face. He said there wasn’t anything there and he asked them where are they. So the investigation was unfounded that day.

This was less than a week before school would be out for summer. When school was out he went 2 weeks without getting in trouble for anything. It later came out that three teachers would hold him down face first on the floor when he threw his fits so we figured they did it and was trying to cover their tails……..

We live way out and if anyone is going to come visit they call first to make sure that we are home. Unless it’s the state police or DHS. So anytime we would hear a knock at the door I would get sick and I would throw up. Our daughter used to love knocking and saying someone’s out there because she knew I would get sick. I had to make up my mind that I was letting go of the fear. I had to take control so when she would do that I started saying oh ok…..and I let it go.

Well it’s been a long time and I am homeschooling and that takes away a lot of the manipulation from our kids, but today someone knocked on the door and I started shaking really bad my chest started hurting and I felt like I was going to throw up. I ordered something and I wasn’t expecting it until Friday, but I got it today……..so will it go away……we aren’t supposed to live in fear and I don’t live in fear but it sure hit me today.

II Timothy 1:7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

Reactive Attachment Disorder ……..What is it? Do you know? Please take time to learn about this disorder…….it could save a life…..are you a doctor? you need to know….are you a pastor? you need to know…..are you a teacher? a therapist? a case worker? children’s church pastor? daycare worker? psychiatrist? judge? lawyer? an aunt or uncle? grandparent? yes pretty much everyone needs to know…..

Having adopted 4 children with this disorder we were clueless. I had to learn on my own. Thankfully when I did learn our kids were still young and our teen wasn’t severe and we know how to pray…..our kids have healed a lot…..

Friday night one of my friends that is in a support group for RAD was murdered……they believe by her daughter……this could have been our family a few years ago. Many didn’t believe us…… we were told by our daughter that she was going to kill us and we found knives in her room……I know that she could have done it…. Families with children with RAD often live two lives one that everyone sees and one that is hidden….no one understands why these parents are so strict on precious little Sally or Johnny……wow their parents are mean….I could go on and on but the message here is that these kids can heal……but the younger they are the better their chances are at healing…..If I told you my child was diabetic you wouldn’t think I was unfair because I didn’t let them have any sugar but did their sibling…..yet we have to parent these kids different and we are unfair……we have many things that we are working on to raise awareness about this disorder…..we have things that we are doing to try to prevent it…..

This isn’t just for adopted children….any child that was sick a lot during their first year of life can develop RAD….parents that moved a lot in the military…..single mom that had many different people looking after their child……

Please become educated….help us save the life of a child…..help us save a family from being destroyed…….Please I will help you learn…..

please visit our new website…..if you look under child histories our oldest son Frankie is the 2nd one……

www.patches-ff.org