Tag Archive | adoption

Mother’s Day! Mother’s Day? Mother’s day……….

Mother’s Day! Mother’s Day? Mother’s day …….. am I excited, am I happy or am I sad? Well that depends lol sometimes there are so many emotions that comes with Mother’s Day that it can be confusing. For 10 years I cried myself to sleep every night begging God for a child not understanding why He wouldn’t bless us with a bundle of joy. Now I know that there were many reasons for it. I’ve had some really good Mother’s Days and then some really bad ones. Today it’s kind of shaky and still a little early to know if we will make it through the day without a lot of unnecessary drama. You see I love all of my kids so very much and God blessed us with 6 beautiful kids, but they are hurting.

That hurt can come out in many different ways. I wish I could just take it all away. If only it was that easy. If I could just hold them and let them cry it out. I could do that but instead they are angry and oftentimes are violent and confused. Our daughter has healed enough that although she has regressed and is really struggling she is sorry for her actions. It doesn’t make it any easier though. I’m tired and hurting physically from our kids.

There are days that I want to quit but then I feel determination to keep going only to feel that way again during the next fit of rage. It’s a constant battle. My new favorite song is Break Every Chain by Tasha Cobbs …… our kids have chains on them of past abuse and those chains fall on our whole family at times. Those chains are going to be broken …….we are playing this song 24/7 in our home and vehicle. These chains are falling……..

 

Patti

How we help our kids after losing their only safe place

My heart is heavy after last nights destruction from the tornadoes ……..they hit close to us and today we have learned that my husband’s co-worker lost his home and they can’t find the company truck. We also have friends that had connections with other ones that have lost their homes and even some that lost their lives and this brings it closer to home.

Our home is a safe place for our kids. They feel safe at home while other places they are sometimes unsure. Especially our daughter right now since she has had so many repressed memories to come out. This lead me to think about these families that lost their homes and if they already have traumatized kids and how this would affect them.

Of course when they are affected it then affects the whole family. What steps can we take in the event this happens to make it easier for our kids? What can we do when we are under tornado warnings and they have the fear that they may lose their only truly safe place?

I am sitting here thinking that maybe I need to rethink about what we grab when we go to our storm shelter……I have some important papers and things in a box when we are preparing we take that box to the shelter….of course we get other things like water, snacks, flashlights, laptop, phones…….but now I am thinking that we need to think of the kids and if they have a favorite blanket or a stuffed animal or if they have something that is important to them……maybe these things aren’t what we would think as being important but just maybe just maybe they might really help our kids……. sometimes it’s the little things that helps us get over a hurdle……..

What do you think??????

Patti

The social life of a parent of children with RAD

Zero…..zero…..zero….yes that is usually the social life that we have. I’ve been there. Thankfully I have a little more of one now than I did even last year. It is still a struggle to do things. I am tired, stressed, hurting, and honestly it’s just easier to stay home. Last December I made up my mind that I was no longer going to let my kids hold me hostage in our home. It has been nice going to activities that the church has or going out to eat after church. How about going to Christian skate night or bowling with friends …..yes I said it with friends. YAY! Now we had friends but we never did anything it was to hard. Going out meant that we were going to be judged about how we parented. I knew some wouldn’t like it because I wouldn’t let all of my kids skate or bowl according to their behavior. See why it was just easier to stay home …… good parenting isn’t about being fair it is about giving each of our kids what they need to help them to be better. If one of my kids was a diabetic no one would say that it wasn’t fair if I let some of my kids have sugar but didn’t let one, but mental illness can’t be seen. Many don’t know that the quite sweet child sitting in the church pews wants to kill us or cusses us or the many other things they do. We are blessed with GREAT friends that understands.

A couple of weeks ago after church several families was going to Pizza Hut. We had had a really bad week with two of our kids and there was no way that I was treating them to pizza but was it fair to not let the others go? Of course not, they had missed out on it for several years because of them so I had my husband go buy some bread and peanut butter and I sat in the vehicle with two of our kids. I felt like even our friends would think I was being to hard if I took them inside and made them eat sandwiches. So I while sat in the vehicle with a child that was raging our pastor told my husband that I needed to bring them in and another friend kept insisting. So we went in. I am thankful for our pastor and our friends that support us. I pray that anyone reading this that has friends that have special needs children (it don’t just have to be children with RAD) will reach out to them. Read up on their disorder. Be more understanding and ask them to go do things. Ask them what they can do. Don’t give up on them see what you can do to help bring them out again. None of us want to just be stuck at home. We feel like we are forced to do it and most of the time it is because our friends just don’t understand. Ask me I’ll be glad to educate you and I bet your friend will too…….. Patti

Forgiven

Forgiven

Forgiven……..wow forgiven……

Forgiving someone isn’t always easy especially if it is a one way act. I have always taught our kids to forgive their abusers. Now that Sarah’s birth mom has passed away and she has told us many things that happened she has had a lot of anger and of course has acted out. We have prayed and she told me that she forgave her mom.

Saturday night the Hinson’s came to sing at our church and their daughter wrote a song about forgiving. Our 7 yr old daughter told me to look at her and when I did she had tears streaming down her face……I had her to come closer to me and she told me that when she said that she forgave her mom that she didn’t really do it and she couldn’t because she was dead. I asked her if she would like to write her mom a letter and we would tie a balloon to it and let her release it. She said yes so she did.

Sunday after church we went out to eat and then went to the store to buy a balloon. My great niece was having a birthday party (at least we thought lol) so we bought a balloon for her too. I texted my niece and told her we were running a few minutes late but was on our way. She asked me where we were going….LOL so we were a week early better than being late….There is a point in me telling on myself ….

We got home and we all gathered around her and we prayed over her letter that first of all Sarah could forgive her mom and let go of her anger but we also prayed that the balloon would land where ever it was supposed to. I could tell she had a lot of emotions running through her mind because I could see it on her face….I asked her if she was ready…..she said she was and held up the balloon….I said ready set go….she released the balloon and it went plop…right to the ground….I told you I was telling on myself for a reason….isn’t it amazing how God takes care of the little things for us….if I hadn’t thought that my niece’s birthday party was that day we wouldn’t have bought her a balloon and then Sarah couldn’t have released her balloon…so we tied another balloon to it and she released it. She watched until it couldn’t be seen and then fell into my arms crying…

Only time will tell if she was able to let it all go……but I do know that it was a giant step in the right direction……

Patti

Forgiven by Jordan Honea the late Kenny Hinson’s granddaughter

Can you hear me now???

Can you hear me now???

I finally figured out what our son is doing……. he’s trying to get better cell phone service …..he needed more bars …..

I posted this in one of the RAD support groups last night and it is amazing at how many have walls just like ours……

We don’t even let him stay in his room when he is mad so when he does this he is in complete control……so the question is why does he do it……..

Reactive attachment disorder is so complex……we all have so many why’s……. it’s not just the holes in the walls …..it’s the doors pulled off the hinges or the shattered windows…..or peeing on the ceiling or in the vents or closets or anywhere other than the toilet…….

it’s constantly stealing food although there is no way they could still be hungry….or ripping their clothes…..oh my the cussing……

The list goes on and on….it’s hard to believe that the little angels that sit in the pews at church being perfect is destructive and can be so violent at home.

So why? Why are they like this? Past trauma they just can’t seem to get over it. They smell something….they hear something….they taste something……they see something……

Jordan was doing really good until my husband’s wreck and that along with other things really rocked his boat. I believe that he is afraid of losing me so it easier on him if he just tries to push us away……….then he don’t have to face rejection.

So what do we do as parents? Did I just ask that? Surely you don’t expect me to answer….LOL

Well as you can see by the Can you hear me yet I use humor…….I also first and foremost PRAY!!!! I pray and then I pray some more……. I keep him close to me. I try not to over react when I see a new hole or the many other things that they do. What good is that going to do? It’s going to make me have stroke or heart attack……it’s going to cause hatred to grow in my heart…..it is going to cause many more gray hairs……it’s going to cause…well I’ll let you fill in the blank.

Ok so I am busted…..I have a lot of gray hair….LOL I also get very stressed even if I don’t react…..ok so I’m not perfect….I have even not liked him. Yes like is different than love…..I have never stopped loving my kids no matter what they have done and it’s not that I have not liked them but I sure haven’t liked their behavior. I think another big thing that helps me is to not take anything personally.

Well I am out of time so all in the day with Jordan….I will say this it is 5:03 pm and he hasn’t had any major meltdowns yet…whoo hoo…….

Patti

Update on Sarah……

It’s been a little over a month since her birth mom passed away. Just like everything else that has happened it has always taken her a few weeks before she would start acting out. This time of course she isn’t raging just being defiant so this is really huge as far as progress goes. I am broken hearted as I write this this because she has started telling me lots and lots of things that is hard to hear.

We knew after only just a few days with us that she had been hurt sexually but never in my life did I dream that she had been holding so much in for all of these years. It’s easy to see now why she didn’t trust us for so many years. So why is she telling us now?  This is only what I am thinking so if you have a thought about it please share your thoughts with me. I believe that either she was afraid her mom would get in trouble or that because she was told if she told anyone that they would kill her and her mom so she was probably protecting her.

Either way now that I know that she went through more than I ever imagined I can understand why she fought so hard to not trust us. I don’t think I would trust anyone either.

As you look at your child today it doesn’t matter how old they were when they came to live with you. It doesn’t matter if you think yes they went through a lot or I just don’t think they went through enough to justify why they are acting so bad. The point is we just really don’t know what they have been through. Even one thing happening to them is bad, I knew Sarah went through things just not to what extent. Her mother loved her but was mentally sick and just didn’t take care of her the way that she needed to and that is why yes I knew she was neglected but she did have a mom that loved her very much.

I would like to encourage you today to look beyond the fits and everything else that comes with RAD and try to look at why they may be doing the things that they are doing. My heart breaks for my daughter and I want to wrap my arms around her and never let her go, but at the same time she still is responsible for her actions. So I still have to follow through. I am still very proud of her even if she is breaking my heart and driving me crazy all at the same time………….

Patti

Reunification with birth sister

Sarah got to reunite with her bio sister Sunday and we had a great day. She brought her a few more pictures and a few things like some of her mom’s necklaces and a couple of rings. She is doing really good over all, but she is having some struggles a long the way. So many triggers. A shirt she was wearing in a picture or a necklace that she remembered her mom wearing when something happened.

She is also saying things that didn’t happen like a conversation that they had texting on my phone and I went back and read the messages and it didn’t happen so she is day dreaming about different things and can’t separate what happened and what hasn’t.

I am proud of her even though she has became defiant at times after a few hours she has come to me and talked to me about what was going on. It is very important for me to stay focused and even if I am about to pull my hair out because she won’t do what she is told that when she wants to talk I need to take a deep breath and take time to listen and help her process her triggers.

If this had of been a few years ago she would be raging. She is so amazing! This is a young lady that had no remorse and no empathy and now she concerned about hurting my feelings as she grieves for her birth mom. In some ways her mom’s death has helped her to love me even more. She has called me her “real” mom several times now. There’s no longer that feeling inside of her that feels like she is betraying her mom for loving me.

Never ever lose hope for your child……..We almost gave up a few times on her. God always showed me that we weren’t supposed to give up. I am so glad that we didn’t give up.

Patti

Another roller coaster ride ……..

I wrote before about how we are on a roller coaster full of twists and turns.  We have just gotten on another one. This one had some pretty big loops. Our 14 yr old daughter’s adopted mother died last week. This of course wouldn’t be good any time, but just coming out of the holidays I was really concerned. I saw it on her sister’s facebook Monday  a week ago and waited until I could talk to her sisters before I told her. I talked to them that night so the next day I knew what I had to do. I spent a lot of time crying and praying.

Wouldn’t you know it we get up Tuesday morning and it was the first really good day that she had had since the holidays began. So I really didn’t want to tell her. I waited until that afternoon and I took her to the bedroom with me and had her to sit by me on the bed and as I started to tell her I broke down and was crying. I didn’t want to hurt her. She’s been hurt enough and I also knew that this was a really big fear that she had that her mom would die and she would never see her again. I was also concerned that me and her mom are the same age and with her having reactive attachment disorder I don’t want her to be afraid that she is going to lose me.

I told her just a minute while I was trying to stop crying so I could tell her and she said “It’s ok if my mom died”. I had a few things that I had put up for her for when she was older. She had a baby doll that her mom wrote on it’s back I love you Sarah, Love mom. and I had a few pictures.

Our footsteps are ordered by God and sometimes we find out why certain things happen and sometimes we don’t, but at Christmas we were given a fish aquarium and the lady asked me if we would like some scrapbooking things and I said yes they will love it. Oh my goodness it was a bunch of stuff…so nice. Things I would have never spent money on. Now I know why she gave them to us. We are going to make a scrapbook for Sarah. Her sister has sent me more pictures and they are going to get more.

Sarah is doing great. I gave her the choice whether or not she wanted to see her mom to say good bye. She said that she wanted to but also wanted to see her bio sisters. So I told her sister that we wanted a private viewing with just them. Did I say God orders our steps? Sarah told me yesterday that she was afraid that it would be to much for her to see her mom and was afraid it would bring back bad memories and cause her to act out again. So I told her to make sure because she couldn’t go back and change her mind. Last night her sister called me and told me that because of  the delay in making funeral arrangements that they would have to have a closed casket. Thank you Jesus that you laid it on Sarah’s heart before we had to make the decision for her. God is so good. We decided last night that we would give them this week to rest and regroup since the funeral is Friday and that next week her two sisters and her two brothers are going to come to church with us and we will go out to eat afterwards and then go to a park that we dearly love. That way they have plenty of time…….I pray that Sarah is able to handle all of this because we have tried several different times to let her have contact with one of her sisters that lived with us for a little while when she was in foster care and it always caused Sarah to act out. So we would have to stop contact and the last time we told her that was her last time until she was 18. We told her that if this doesn’t cause her to act out then she can keep in contact with them. She is really trying hard which was why she made the decision to not see her mom.

I wish that was the only loop on this roller coaster but it wasn’t. I posted on her sister’s facebook that we were praying for them and there were several people asking about Sarah so I posted a picture of her so they could see her. We are now in contact with her bio dad that she has never met and she has two more sisters. Now this is wild. She went to school with our kids and was in our son’s class 3 different years and Sarah knows her. I pray that this is the beginning of Sarah being able to have contact with her family. I will be sure to post about how the reunion goes.

PattiImage

 

No empathy????

No empathy????

As parents that have children that have little to zero empathy we long to see the tears that show that they finally have some, but at the same time we don’t want them to hurt. So that makes it hard on our hearts.

Our 13 oops today is her birthday so she is now 14. She had zero empathy. She would point and laugh at people that got hurt or was in a wheelchair. She thought it was funny when someone else was upset over something.

She finally has empathy. Even though I know she is hurting it still brings a smile to my face knowing that she cares. Our pastor asked her to sing a song at church and afterwards he went on and on about her singing. The following week he passed away. A few weeks later we were at home singing and the song that she sung that morning came on and she just started crying and our youngest daughter started crying. Not only did Sarah have empathy but she held Miah. A few years ago she would have just laughed at her for crying but she took her in her arms and held her.

In some ways this picture breaks my heart, but in other ways it makes me smile. No one wants their kids to have a broken heart, but more than not wanting them to have a broken heart we as parents don’t want them to have no feelings.

I am so proud of Sarah and how far she come………

Patti