Tag Archive | adoption

Trust

Definition of trust

  1. 1a :  assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something

I’ve thought a lot about this over the last few months. Do you trust your kids? Do you trust anyone anymore?

Once that trust is broken it is very hard to get it back. If you ever can get it back. Even our children that have healed I’m always watching. Always checking up on them…..

Once that trust is broken I don’t think a person can ever get it back 100%…….. so how can we expect our children to completely trust us when that trust was broken time and time again……..

I think 1o years has gone by and surely our son knows that we are going to take care of him and surely he knows he will be fed. Yet he doesn’t have that trust.

I try to remember this as he struggles. I try to remember that his behaviors are out of fear. As I do remember this I believe it is the reason that I forgive him so quickly. I believe it is the reason that I am not ready to give up on him as hard as it may get.

There is someone that we can trust that will never let us down……….trust-jesus

We can put our trust in Jesus…… He will see us through……He will give us the strength that we need……

Did God make her leave?

Mom did God make her leave?

No sweetie He didn’t make her leave.

Then why did she leave?

This is not a question that I ever thought I would be asked. It sure isn’t a question that has an easy understandable answer for a 10 year old that loved her only sister with all of her heart. When does the heartache stop? When do the tears stop flowing?  Probably never……

In our eyes it is so hard for us to understand why our daughter was so obsessed with her bio family. So obsessed that she didn’t want us any more. More than my heart breaking it hurts more than anything having to hold our youngest daughter while she cries herself to sleep because she misses her sister so much.

Why does it have to be so hard? I thought adoption was supposed to be happy….. Don’t get me wrong there are many many happy moments but with any adoption there is heartbreak. Some more heartbreak than others.

Did God make her leave? No He didn’t. We were not His first plan for her. We were His alternate plan for her because her mom failed to take care of her the way she should have. It was His plan since the first plan didn’t work for us to have her. Satan lies, cheats, tricks us and whatever else he can do to cause us to make the wrong choices in life unlike God who loves us and allows us to make our own choices. God will not force us to make the right choice. The Holy Spirit is with us to encourage us but so many times we just don’t listen. So no sweetie she made her own choice to leave us because she wanted her bio family more.

I am thankful that she was our daughter even though my heart is breaking. We were able to give her a firm foundation in God’s word. We were able to train her up in the way of the Lord and one day she will return not only to the Lord but to us……..

 

Patti

 

When Adoption Isn’t Forever Anymore

Last year I wrote When Adoption Isn’t Forever, but now even though this is a similar title adoption doesn’t mean forever anymore to my other kids. So now what??? How do I tell them that they are mine forever when we had to disrupt an adoption.

It will be a year in April that we disrupted one of our adoptions. It wasn’t what we wanted but, we had no choice. One of our boys has settled down and is back to usually one bad day a week while our other son struggles daily again. He has other issues as well as RAD so it complicates things even more.

What is his trigger??? Anything!!!! Usually it’s very small things. Today he thought someone was eating something and immediately went into a rage. When I say rage I mean if I wrote what he said this would become a rated R blog for the language and violence. He could see that no one was eating but, he already had that thought in his head that someone was eating. So why didn’t I just get him something to eat…….well that’s another issue. I have a problem with a child DEMANDING that I feed him immediately. Maybe I’m wrong…..I keep praying and asking the Lord if I’m wrong please show me………

I have given into him when it was just a fit and it didn’t work. He just wanted me to give into him more. I’ve also tried feeding him something every 30 minutes. That didn’t work either…….I’ve thought well maybe he is hungry and needs more food so I have let him eat until he was full…..(one time at a pizza buffet he ate 22 pieces of pizza) as you can see that takes a lot of food. Then we find poop in the toy box or where ever he decides to poop. So we can’t do that.

I guess I said all of this to say……childhood trauma stinks!!! There is nothing we can say to him that will make him feel that adoption is forever. Nothing!!! So while my bruises heal and my sore body heals remember I am not alone. There are many other families going through the same thing that we are going through….. so be kind and offer support. Hint: support doesn’t mean advice unless you truly get it……….

Patti

 

 

 

 

 

20/20 Did their dog eat their homework???

I with several others were so excited when we were asked to do an interview with 20/20. I believe in the beginning that they were sincere. I believe that they were shocked at the things we told them about reactive attachment disorder. I truly believe they wanted to help raise awareness about this disorder. I don’t know at which point they changed their mind and took a U turn. I am saddened at the turn because there are so many families that needed their help.

We knew when we did the interview (I was a part of it but DHS took custody of our daughter that week so I was behind the scenes) that this could always happen, but we knew we had to take the chance.

There is so much that was left unsaid. There was so much that could have been shared that could have educated people. Imagine this……..You are a wonderful parent you do everything right…ok you try your hardest to do everything right but we all make mistakes…..lol….but your child is out of control and you have no ideal why. Your child rages and is violent you have no ideal where this is coming from. Your child goes to school and says I’m hungry my mom didn’t feed me….trying to get sympathy from the teacher……what??? Where is this coming from ……you see it’s easy for a therapist or psychiatrist to see a child that has been adopted and say they have RAD, but a bio child it’s not so simple. If a child is sick a lot their first year of life they can have RAD or anything traumatic their first few years of life. That’s why it was so important for 20/20 to follow through with what they told us and to educate the public.

I assure you 20/20 did their homework but I guess their dog ate their homework….. I bet their dog got sick because it was a lot of information……

This is an email that I sent to the producer……

Caila,

I am sure you already have been made aware that our segment has generated over 161,000 views. I took the liberty to scroll down and see how many views your other shows have had. This is what I found……

Starting with ours with all 3 videos it is a total of 201,072

Scientology – 22,640

Unfriended – 74,771 since Oct 9th

College seniors – 23,130 since Oct 1st

OJ Simpson – 46,494 since Sept 24th

Dr. Saves lives – 8,253 since Sept 7th

Olympian turned Vegas Escort – 22,000 Sept 11th
15,889 Sept 9th

Pope – 23,465 Sept 4th
35,486 Sept 4th

death row wedding – 40,399 Aug 21st

Even Cecil the lion that seemed to be all over the internet only had a total of 136,404 since Aug 14th

I don’t understand how if your executive producer has a child that has reactive attachment disorder that she did not make sure that there was more about this disorder. We trusted you that there would be awareness made. I have been busy in the RAD support groups trying to get people to understand that we can still use this and raise awareness on your fb page. I believe some good can still come from this. At the same time I believe you missed out on an even better show. So my question to you is…… would you consider a follow up show without the Harrisses in order to truly educate the public about this disorder. We thought that families may actually get help. Your show was very disheartening to the parents living with this. I truly believe that if the executive producer has a child that has RAD she would love to do this. If not I would like to know why y’all shifted from what it was going to be……what changed your mind. I know you even interviewed Nancy Thomas and then called her and told her that you wouldn’t be using it. You had a chance to help thousands of families and you blew that chance. I just want to know why. I think by the looks of the views on our segment you could have had more views on your show if you had of taken the time to use it to educate people.

If you are not willing to do another show would it be possible for us to get a full edited copy of our interview……..

Families need help. This is one example……

This is a friend of mine. She needs help and can’t get it. DHS has custody of her son now but they won’t let them terminate parental rights until they find an adoptive home for him. They have to pay child support for him which had caused a huge financial hardship on the family……..here is a few things he has done that led to them having to remove him from the home……

….bounced Arielle’s forehead off the edge of the coffee table, broke two of my ribs when he kicked me BC I put him on time out after he hurt Arielle, killed a pet rabbit, poisoned my coffee, poisoned my hot peppers, hoarded food, stole…from everyone, threatened to take a gun to school n kill a girl, repeatedly assaulted all the kids, kicked Kevin in the back of the knee after ligament replacement.. And the ligaments he got belonged to his dead friend, false allegations, hiding sharps in his room, rages upon rages,

Tried to drown Joe when Joe was four and he was six. Kicked ari in her only kidney knowing it would kill her

Ripped his cousins door off the hinges.

Destruction of property

Forged my name

Extortion

Threatened to stab a kid in the head at school

With a fork

Trying to blow stuff (edited) up.

Fire starting.

Messing with electrical outlets with intent of “burning this place down” at rtf

Thrown out of three schools and three fosters

Can you please tell me how your show helped my friend and many others with your show that basically said a new home because the Harrisses were so bad helped cure them………Maybe Elizabeth would consider adopting my friend’s son and cure him……..LOL if only it was that easy……

Caila it would be different if y’all were clueless but I know that y’all did your homework. I believe y’all had a great story. I don’t know why you changed it but please consider helping us…….

Thank you,

One of many hurting parents Patti

I copied the information from my friend…….

Here goes….

Ok here goes……….

I stopped writing on my blog because our daughter regressed and our world fell a part once again. The reason I started blogging was because I wanted to offer people hope. I was able to blog about how our kids were healing and doing good.

When she regressed I felt like I could no longer offer hope.

Not all adoptions works out. We do the best we can. We pour our heart and soul into our children but try as we may we cannot force them to make the right choices. I never thought I would be in the place that we are in today. I never thought we would disrupt an adoption. I thought we would go to the end. Sometimes that end is not up to us. Sometimes we just have no choice.

I know in my heart that we did all we could do. Bottom line is that our daughter wants to live with her bio sister. I don’t blame her for wanting that. I wasn’t about to give up on her though ……RIGHT……. so she forced us to. We weren’t safe whether it was physical attacks or making false investigations she knew what she wanted and pulled out all of the stops.

As of today our daughter is once again in foster care. Her bio sister will have her home opened so she can go live with her. When our daughter is ready I will be here for her but until then I have to let go. She lived with us for 9 years. I know that we taught her right and I know that the time she spent with us she learned how to pray and how to read her Bible and serve God. She also learned to have empathy and remorse. Even if all of that was thrown out the door I still know that it is there.

Tonight I have cried buckets of tears but at the same time I am relieved. No parent should have to go through this. So now it’s time for our family to start healing. God is with us and will help us.

Patti

Walking on egg shells

Breathe in …….breathe out……..breathe in……..breathe out……..breathe in…………………………………………………….oh yeah breathe out……….

Do you ever have those days that you are just walking on egg shells around your kids? I know that was a crazy question. It seems like many times we are doing this very thing. We have been doing it a lot more lately. It seems like it is constant. Our 14 year old daughter has really been struggling the last few months and even more the last three weeks. Since her bio mom died things just keep coming out that she went through. Every where we go there is a memory. All of a sudden some of my perfume that used to not be a problem now triggers memories.

When does it stop? When do the memories stop? I know you have the same question and no answer either except we know that with time and with the help of the Lord they will get easier to handle and they won’t hurt so bad.  A few weeks ago she decided to cut her hair again for the third time. We had all scissors put up but she had a great day so I let my guard down and let her get her own things to get ready to take her shower and she got a razor and shaved the back of her head. She began ripping her clothes completely off and cussing. Now this is a child that for two years did wonderful and had healed so much and it was so nice to say that she no longer did the things that she used to do. She loved God and instead of trying to hurt everyone she would try to take care of them. She had remorse and empathy.  So now where did my daughter go that took 6 years to see love radiating from her eyes. Where did my daughter go that loved the Lord and would go around singing worship songs to Him. Where was she???????

Who is this child that now sings rated R songs and acts like a stripper? Who is this child that looks at me with hate? Who is this child that it’s been recommended for us to put her in rtc, but I said no because I know that it will only hurt her more?

I’ll tell you who she is………she is a child of the King!!!

So that brings me back to walking on egg shells…….today is the 6th day that she has not had a major raging fit. We are doing a lot of praying! Every little bit I’m having her to apply the blood of Jesus to cover her from head to toe and asking Jesus to help her to obey and asking Jesus fill her with peace so her fear will leave.

Has this been easy? Of course not! Every time she smarts off or does things that she knows that she isn’t supposed to do I want to go off on her which is why I am taking a lot of deep breaths. LOL Have I yelled at her? Of course but I quickly tell her to pray, and she is doing it. She is making it. She knows she will still get a consequence for her actions, but she is starting to keep it together again. I am still seeing anger and frustration in her but I am not seeing the pure hate. This was just another huge bump in the road. A really big one!!! I am believing that she is back on her way up!

Patti

 

Mother’s Day! Mother’s Day? Mother’s day……….

Mother’s Day! Mother’s Day? Mother’s day …….. am I excited, am I happy or am I sad? Well that depends lol sometimes there are so many emotions that comes with Mother’s Day that it can be confusing. For 10 years I cried myself to sleep every night begging God for a child not understanding why He wouldn’t bless us with a bundle of joy. Now I know that there were many reasons for it. I’ve had some really good Mother’s Days and then some really bad ones. Today it’s kind of shaky and still a little early to know if we will make it through the day without a lot of unnecessary drama. You see I love all of my kids so very much and God blessed us with 6 beautiful kids, but they are hurting.

That hurt can come out in many different ways. I wish I could just take it all away. If only it was that easy. If I could just hold them and let them cry it out. I could do that but instead they are angry and oftentimes are violent and confused. Our daughter has healed enough that although she has regressed and is really struggling she is sorry for her actions. It doesn’t make it any easier though. I’m tired and hurting physically from our kids.

There are days that I want to quit but then I feel determination to keep going only to feel that way again during the next fit of rage. It’s a constant battle. My new favorite song is Break Every Chain by Tasha Cobbs …… our kids have chains on them of past abuse and those chains fall on our whole family at times. Those chains are going to be broken …….we are playing this song 24/7 in our home and vehicle. These chains are falling……..

 

Patti