Last year I wrote When Adoption Isn’t Forever, but now even though this is a similar title adoption doesn’t mean forever anymore to my other kids. So now what??? How do I tell them that they are mine forever when we had to disrupt an adoption.
It will be a year in April that we disrupted one of our adoptions. It wasn’t what we wanted but, we had no choice. One of our boys has settled down and is back to usually one bad day a week while our other son struggles daily again. He has other issues as well as RAD so it complicates things even more.
What is his trigger??? Anything!!!! Usually it’s very small things. Today he thought someone was eating something and immediately went into a rage. When I say rage I mean if I wrote what he said this would become a rated R blog for the language and violence. He could see that no one was eating but, he already had that thought in his head that someone was eating. So why didn’t I just get him something to eat…….well that’s another issue. I have a problem with a child DEMANDING that I feed him immediately. Maybe I’m wrong…..I keep praying and asking the Lord if I’m wrong please show me………
I have given into him when it was just a fit and it didn’t work. He just wanted me to give into him more. I’ve also tried feeding him something every 30 minutes. That didn’t work either…….I’ve thought well maybe he is hungry and needs more food so I have let him eat until he was full…..(one time at a pizza buffet he ate 22 pieces of pizza) as you can see that takes a lot of food. Then we find poop in the toy box or where ever he decides to poop. So we can’t do that.
I guess I said all of this to say……childhood trauma stinks!!! There is nothing we can say to him that will make him feel that adoption is forever. Nothing!!! So while my bruises heal and my sore body heals remember I am not alone. There are many other families going through the same thing that we are going through….. so be kind and offer support. Hint: support doesn’t mean advice unless you truly get it……….
My husband and I have adopted as well, but have not had to deal with anything like what you are going through. So sorry you are having to deal with this. Praying the Lord will give you strength.
Thank you, that is the only way we can make it. My strength cometh from the Lord…….
I just found your blog. This is the only post I read (yet) but I had to comment. We disrupted an adoption recently, it was finalized in December. Some days we do well, other days not so well. My daughter has turned on me in a big way in the past weeks and while I know it is trauma, it still hurts. Her refusal to have anything to do with me, triggers the pain of when our son with RAD lived with us. This is a tough journey. I am looking forward to reading all your posts up until now and any you write in the future! God bless!
Thank you and I’m so sorry you are going through this with your daughter. It is so hard and yes their behavior triggers many things. I’m sorry I just saw this. Somehow I approved it but didn’t comment. Something probably happened and sidetracked me …….
Found this blog, and I don’t feel alone anymore. Our adopted son is showing all of the signs of RAD. (lying, stealing, fire setting, bullying, manipulating, lack of conscience, false allegations, self-distructive, urinating when angry, retaliation, will spread feces on walls when angry,Indiscriminately affectionate with strangers. physically aggressive).
WOW, its been so hard & such a struggle. He has recently been referred into a residential treatment facility by his PO officer. I’m sick, lost, heart broken, scared, you name it.
We have two other children in the home, both girls & one of which we adopted. They are scared, uncomfortable for him being in our home. As the behaviors that our son is exhibiting has taken a very unsafe turn, to where he has attempted to set his bedroom on fire. This has more than taken a toll on our family.
We were not prepared, as many classes & training sessions it still isn’t enough.
During fostering process, and adoption we were not advised of any of the behaviors. As we recently reached out to the biological family, and were advised that these are not new behaviors. As they played part in his previous two placements.
At this point despite all of our best efforts, it seems as if dissolving the adoption is the only option left. We love this kid, he is our son but for now, the love isn’t enough.
Any advise, I’m open to hear it.
I am so so sorry! It will be a year this month since we terminated our daughter’s adoption. I am still so heartbroken and I want to hold her. Are you in any support groups for RAD? There is a Facebook group for mom’s in the trenches and for parents that have to disrupt there is one for that. There are many fb groups for RAD. Please email me email@example.com
How are you doing?
Trying to be strong. Feeling overwhelmed, like I have failed.
I’m not sure what happened but I replied but it’s not here. I just got on my laptop and had a message…… It’s so hard to keep being strong day after day. You have to know you didn’t fail……I hope things are better for you now
I get it, but have no advice. I’ve seen it and still have no advice. I do wish you the best and I hope you remain strong. What you are doing is a good thing and hopefully good things come from it.
Thank you….. he had two good days so that helped me to refocus. Unless you live it it’s very hard to understand even most therapist and psychiatrists don’t have any advice either so it’s one day at a time …..
I get that. I wish you strength.
Finding words like these is what gives me strength. We are going through the adoption process and man-oh-man this childhood trauma stuff is HARD. I hear ya. Also, thank you for calling out the “advice” that others dish out. I really cannot handle one more person telling me about what their kids did or how I should deal with it when adoption and childhood trauma is indeed different. Especially if the advice was not asked for… isn’t that a cardinal rule somewhere? And even within adoption every situation and every child is different, has different needs, different trauma, and a different journey. Standing with you!
Thank you…… even our kids in our home are all different. What works for one doesn’t work for another. We sure have to keep on our toes. It should be a cardinal rule that people don’t give advice so freely….. lol