Rehoming your adopted child………

Can you say WOW!!! There is a lot in the news right now about rehoming your adopted children. Although the two stories that I saw were very disturbing I feel that these are the exception. At least I pray they are………

At the same time parents are forced into a corner and sometimes have no where to turn to for help. Many don’t realize that in some states you can’t get help for your child unless you relinquish your parental rights……don’t want to do that and face abandonment charges? Well here’s the other option that parents are told…… if your child hurts one of your other children then the state can remove all of your children for failure to protect……..

About 4 years ago our daughter was 9 years old and was very violent. She wanted to kill us and we would find knives in her room that she intended on using on us. I couldn’t let her get more than a foot away from me because she would try to hurt the other kids. I was always able to keep our family safe until she started running away. Once she started going out her window then we no longer had that assurance that we were all safe including her….. She told me in great detail how she was going to kill me and we called her therapist and put her in a residential treatment center that night. We are blessed that we live in a state that we can get our children help a little easier….. the problem we have is that a treatment center only makes our kids worse if they don’t fully understand what RAD is…….

I know that there are families that are forced to make the heart wrenching decision to find a new home for their children. If you are faced with this decision make sure you are doing everything the right way. Hire an attorney. I understand that you are desperate but don’t let desperation cause you to make decisions that is going to put your child in danger. You love your child or you would have already given up. Take the time to make sure they are in a safe family……..

Patti

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15 thoughts on “Rehoming your adopted child………

  1. “parents are forced into a corner and sometimes have no where to turn to for help”
    Exactly right. Only it’s probably “most” states, not just some.

  2. Parents are forced into a corner and before adoption even though the law is full disclosure of the child issues by CPS or international agency it is never done. Either by withholding information or simply they just didn’t know. My son when he first came to me, CPS didn’t even tell me he was a bed wetter. Something so simple in the scheme of things that could of been so helpful to know that first night with me.

    Thank you Patti for sharing your life in your blog. I am a follower. May you blessed with abundance.

    • In our case they were absolutely clueless. We still weren’t told about her behaviors because I seriously doubt that she saved all of this for us and we were her 14th placement but we were told lots of love and a stable home and she would be fine. I still love all of our caseworkers that we worked with and now a lot of them know more about RAD but that is why we have to speak up about it ……. thank you so much ….. I love everything you are doing. You are awesome.

  3. I am friends with a fellow adoptive parent who faces many of the same issues as you. Her dd was adopted at age 5 & was perfectly behaved—until the first week passed. The child is now a young teen & has RAD along with six other diagnoses (mental health & learning related). She’s been in & out of the metal health unit numerous times, threatened to kill the mom & sibling frequently and harmed the mother more than once. The state is useless. This child needs to be in a group home. It’s been a nightmare for her family & younger adopted child. The mom is currently living with her other child apart from this child & apart from her husband. The last I heard they are managing some semblance of a family life by having family nights & weekends. My heart breaks for all of them. It’s a hard friendship because my children adopted from the same orphanage on the same week are a dream come true.

  4. The potential — and the actual as you report it — is so heartbreaking all the way around. Much more needs to be done in the way of vetting the adoption process in the first place and then offering support. Babies really are not blank slates. They come with their own baggage which makes it so important to find a good fit, and to be prepared with lots of support if needed.
    On the other hand, adoption is such a wonderful thing for both parents and children when the fit is right.
    Thanks for what you have published here.

    • So many parents have no support. No support from their families, no support from the schools, church, or doctors. Many have no support from the therapist.

      Support goes a long ways in helping but then there are times when the child is old enough to flat out decide that they don’t want to live with their adoptive parent and there’s not much the adoptive parent can do …….. sadly we are there……..

      • I am so sorry. Sadly, that tragedy happens not only with adopted children. No doubt they use adoption and its factors as excuses for what natural born children sometimes do too. I know. We have that tragedy in our family and know of others. In the cases I know of, the grown child cuts off all contact to the point of hiding his or her address.
        Such a heartbreak. I’m sad you are experiencing it.

      • Yes it can happen with bio children at least with adopted children you can at least have some understanding……in our case bio mom died and she reunited with a sister and she was strongly encouraging her that she should live with her. Our daughter was doing so good …… that’s why I stopped blogging I’ve been in such a fog …..

  5. Adoptmomof6,
    Hopefully, your daughter will go with her sister, realize it was a bad move and be back soon. I assume you are talking about a child that is 16+. Teens and young adults do some crazy things for sure! I see the same thing happen with divorced parents. They prefer the less strict one-usually only until they realize they aren’t the greener grass they were seeking. Hugs!

      • That’s rough. That puts you in a tough spot legally too. I’m not sure what I would do (my oldest are just 11). Grounding and rewarding worked well in my childhood family, but we were reasonable kids and knew we deserved the punishment doled out. Any direction from her school counselor or anyone?

      • Grounding doesn’t work with our kids that have RAD. She’s in long term rtc right now ………and yes we are in a really tough spot. God will see us through. I do have peace now. It took a while lol

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